Preventing Harm

Sexual and relationship violence are tied to inequality. Society places value on claiming and maintaining power and domination over others and the intentional and systemic oppression of specific groups. Oppression includes the imbalance of power characterized by domination, subordination, and resistance. It is imperative to understand the different levels of oppression; ideological, institutional, interpersonal and internalized, and how they interconnected, in order, to dismantle oppression and the harm that comes from it. For example, at the interpersonal level of oppression, an oppressor may exhibit their power by restricting power and resources to the person they want to oppress through fear, intimidation and degrading views of the oppressed population. To end sexual and relationship violence, society needs to address the oppression happening at all levels.

• People can oppress and become abusive to those that are perceived as different than themselves or those who are outside what they consider normal based on their sexual orientation, ability, gender identity, religion, age, class, etc.
• People who commit sexual or relationship violence may target people who may be perceived as having less power in the world. This can make it hard for a person to report or get help.
• People who commit sexual or relationship violence may feel powerless and oppressed in their life and can cause harm to others through claiming power over another person.

Social norms are the informal guidelines or rules that prescribe what is considered normal behavior in certain situations and circumstances given one's family, community, society, and culture. An example of a social norm is the behavior expected for someone when they greet each other. In some societies and cultures, they shake hands while others hug, kiss the side of each other's cheek, or bow. There is no written rule or law stating how one should greet others in their culture but we learn from watching others in our family, social groups, and in the media. There are unwritten rules about how to behave and what to do given the culture, society, and family/groups one belongs to and they can impact our decision both positively and negatively.

Negative social norms, ideological oppression, can impact sexual and relationship violence:

• Tolerance and normalization of aggression and violence
• Attribution of blame to victims
• Notions of individual, family and cultural privacy around sex and relationships that fosters secrecy, shame and silence.

Gender refers to the culturally defined roles, responsibilities, attributes, and entitlements that are connected to being or being seen as a woman or a man. Sex, in this context, refers to a person’s biological status as male, female, or intersex with the indicators being chromosomes, hormones, internal reproductive organs, and external genitalia. Gender norms are the unwritten rules that regulate the behaviors and attributes that are considered acceptable for men and women and often leave out those that do not identify in that binary.

Oftentimes, gender norms maintain a hierarchy of power and privilege that views masculine/men as superior and feminine/women to be inferior — which reinforces inequality and undermines the rights of those who identify as women and those who don’t identify on a gender binary. This restricts the opportunity for all gender identities to express their authentic selves. Most gender systems give lower status to gender identities that don’t fit into the binary of men and women — thus masculine women, feminine men, or folks who identify as transgender, gender fluid, gender non-binary, and gender non-conforming can experience discrimination, social sanctioning and violence. This can include emotional abuse, pressure to conform to the prescribed gender norms, physical violence, relationship abuse, or sexual violence.

When thinking about restrictive gender norms, consider how this ideological oppression is upheld in institutions, translated in interpersonal relationships and internalized by those who are being oppressed and harmed.

Examples of Restrictive Gender Norms:

• Limited roles for women, transgender, and gender non-conforming people in the workplace and in the home. Not seeing people who identify as women, transgender, or gender non-conforming in the role of President or CEO can impact their ability to see themselves reflected in the world and also limits their power and equality. It reinforces the norm that only those who identify as masculine/men can obtain and handle these positions.
• Objectification of women, transgender, and gender non-conforming people. Viewing folks in terms of their sexuality, their genitals and their clothing can dehumanize them and reinforces negative stereotypes and beliefs.
• Traditional sexual roles for people identifying as masculine/men and feminine/women. One example of this norm might be that a more feminine identifying person is subordinate and must not like, enjoy, or want sex as much as the person who identifies as masculine. Some are taught through family, culture/media that feminine identifying folks must say no to sex even though really they want to — this is a false assumption. Similarly, masculine identifying folks are perceived as always being up and ready for sex, but this is not always the case. They are allowed not to want sex and can experience sexual violence.
• Toxic masculinity and the traditional constructs of manhood reinforce a set of behaviors and beliefs that include suppressing emotions or hiding distress, maintaining an appearance of hardness, and violence as an indicator of power. It comes from teaching boys not to express emotion, to be “tough” all the time, and that anything else is feminine, which equals weakness.
  

These restrictive norms have been linked to aggression and violence and can lead to a higher risk for school discipline, academic challenges, health disparities, substance abuse, and committing violent crime. Although gender norms are deeply embedded into an individual, family, community, society and culture, they can transform under social pressure, policy, and daily choices of individuals who make decisions based on their own ideas and beliefs regardless of the prevalent norms.

Alcohol and drug use; lack of empathy, general aggressiveness and acceptance of violence; hostility towards those who identify as feminine; adherence to traditional gender norms; hyper-masculinity; family history of domestic violence and conflict; association with aggressive/violent peers, limited communication skills, difficulty with boundaries, and a lack of social, community or individual accountability.

Alcohol is an example of a risk factor — drinking alone does not cause sexual or relationship violence, but it can increase the risk of experiencing harm. Other risk factors might be restricted communication skills and difficulty setting and keeping boundaries. Risk factors can be environmental, such as an unknown location, a place that isn’t well-lit, or being in a space alone with another person. The key element is that there is a risk, but someone else chooses to cause harm.

• Consider what your sexual and relationship projects are (the reason one might seek a particular sexual or relationship interaction or experience) — and understand that each person has their own project and right to self-determination. It can be important to communicate what your sexual and relationship projects are with potential partners.
  
  • Note: Sexual Project is defined by Hirsch and Khan in Sexual Citizen: A Landmark Study of Sex, Power, and assault on campus (2020). Examples of sexual projects are: pleasure, not have sex, explore sexual identity, develop and maintain a relationship, gain experience, or to have children and many more. Some examples of relationship projects are: fall in love, companionship, explore emotional intimacy, avoid being alone, explore polyamory or get married.
    
• Listen carefully. Take the time to hear what your date/sex partner is saying. If you feel you are getting mixed messages ask for a clarification. Make sure to get consent.
• It can be helpful to talk about personal, sexual and relationship boundaries and what things you are looking for in a relationship or in a sexual encounter. Communicating about different relationship models, sexual projects and boundaries can be awkward and uncomfortable but they allow for transparency, less confusion and healthier, more enjoyable experiences.
• Don't fall for the common stereotype that when someone says no, they really mean yes. No means no. If someone says no to any sexual contact or act, stop. Check in with the person to see how they are feeling. Do not pressure them to continue or to do something they said no to.
• Keep in mind that everyone has the right to autonomy of their life and body. Using power and control over someone is abuse.
  
• Remember date, marital, and partner rape are crimes. It is never acceptable to use force or coercion in sexual situations, no matter the circumstances. Coercion is the practice of pressuring or persuading someone to act involuntarily through intimidation, threats (social, emotional, physical), or force.
  
• Don't assume that the person you are with wants to have sex because they drink, dress "provocatively” (in your opinion), or agree to go home with you; because they had sex with you previously; because they willingly engage in kissing and/or other sexual interaction; or because you bought them dinner and drinks. None of these examples equal consent to any sexual contact or act.
• Not everyone communicates in the same way. Some have a difficult time expressing their wants and needs in a relationship and during a sexual encounter. It can be helpful to not make assumptions, ask questions, notice non-verbal cues and take a break if conflict arises.
  
• Be aware that having sex with someone who is mentally or physically incapable of giving consent is rape. If you have sex with someone who is intoxicated, drugged, passed out, incapable of saying no, or unaware of what is happening around them, you are committing rape.
• Alcohol and other drugs can cloud one’s judgment and choices. Engaging in sexual activity or arguing while using substances can make it difficult to communicate and understand what another person wants and to notice non-verbal cues.
  

• Consider what your sexual and relationship projects are (the reason one might seek a particular sexual or relationship interaction or experience) — and understand that each person has their own project and right to self-determination. It can be important to communicate what your sexual and relationship projects are with potential partners.
  
  • Note: Sexual Project is defined by Hirsch and Khan in Sexual Citizen: A Landmark Study of Sex, Power, and assault on campus (2020). Examples of sexual projects are: pleasure, not have sex, explore sexual identity, develop and maintain a relationship, gain experience, or to have children and many more. Some examples of relationship projects are: fall in love, companionship, explore emotional intimacy, avoid being alone, explore polyamory, or get married.
• It can be helpful to talk about your personal, sexual and relationship boundaries and what things you are looking for in a relationship or a sexual encounter. Communicating about different relationship models, sexual projects and boundaries can be awkward and uncomfortable but they allow for transparency, less confusion and healthier, more enjoyable experiences.
• Know what your sexual boundaries are and when you want to stop. You have the right to say "No" to any unwanted sexual contact or act. If you are uncertain about what you want, ask your date to respect your feelings or to slow down. You have the right to change your mind during any sexual interaction.Not everyone communicates in the same way and some have a difficult time picking up social and non-verbal cues. For this reason, it can be helpful not to assume that the other person will automatically know how you feel, or will eventually "get the message." At times, it can be helpful to vocalize your wants and feelings, if you feel safe. Saying no directly can be difficult to do because of fear of retaliation or further harm. There might be times where saying no might feel uncomfortable or embarrassing but could be a safe option. Only the person in the situation can determine what feels safe to them. Sometimes, having an excuse to leave a room can be helpful, like needing to use the restroom, feeling sick, or asking for a break. These options are not always available and may not protect someone from experiencing harm.
• Listen to your gut feelings. If you feel uncomfortable or think you may be at risk, you probably are. Try to leave the situation immediately and go to a safe place.
• Be mindful that alcohol or other drugs may decrease one’s ability to make quick, clear and unequivocal decisions. Having sex or difficult conversations while using any substances can lead to confusion, misunderstanding and harmful interactions.
  
• When on a date with a new person, it can be useful to consider one's safety. This could mean sharing your location with a friend, or having someone call and check in with you while on the date. It could also mean having an excuse that allows you to leave with short notice — for example, "I just got a text and my roommate is on their way to the Emergency Room so I have to go," or "I just realized that I have a paper due tomorrow and I have to cut this short to finish it." It can also be good to make sure your phone is charged or that you have access to a charger so you can call a friend or 911 if needed.
  

• Harassment, threats, stalking, exploitation, verbal abuse, or otherwise encouraging sexual or relationship abuse
  
• Sexist, racist, xenophobic, or homophobic jokes
• Inappropriate sexual comments, innuendos, catcalling, or vulgar gestures
• Someone buying lots of alcohol for the person they are with at a bar
• Someone who seems fearful of the person they are with
• Someone constantly degrading their partner.

These can take place in public space, workplaces, schools, communities, and online.

Every situation is different, and there is no one way to respond. When you witness a person being harassed, threatened, followed by someone, emotionally abused, or heavily intoxicated, you can try to distract the harasser/person who may cause harm or insert yourself into their interaction to help the targeted person get out of the situation. For example, if you see someone on the street being verbally harassed, you can interrupt the harasser and ask them for directions. You can also intervene by pretending to know the person being harassed and starting a conversation with them as an opportunity to come between them and the harasser.

Get support from people around you by calling on others to help. The more people who come together to interrupt a situation, the more you reinforce the idea that the behavior is not acceptable in your community. This can be as simple as saying, “Let’s say something to them so they stop” or “Let’s see if that person feels comfortable leaving with that person.” If you do not feel safe or things have quickly escalated to physical violence, you may consider alerting someone in a position of authority, NYU Campus Safety, or contacting the police. For some people, contacting the police doesn’t feel safe or may escalate a situation. Many communities have experienced harm from police and this should be taken into consideration when contemplating contacting 911.

Whether or not you know the harasser, you can intervene by telling them in a respectful, direct, and honest way that their words or actions are not okay. For example, when you hear someone make comments that blame victims for being assaulted, or make light of sexual or relationship violence, you can tell them:

• You need to stop.
  
• That’s inappropriate.
  
• What you just said made me feel uncomfortable. Here’s why…
• Do you realize how problematic that is?
• We need to talk about what you just said.
• What made you say that?
  

Talking openly and responding directly to inappropriate behaviors will have a snowball effect and encourage others to respond. It shows you recognize the comment or behavior is unacceptable and shows others it will not be tolerated. For example, if you are in a group setting and you hear someone make inappropriate comments, you can say:

• Are you hearing what I am hearing?
  
• I can’t be the only one who thinks this is not OK.
  
• I don’t see how XYZ is relevant or appropriate to this discussion.I know you’re a better person than that.
  

Your age, race, gender, etc. may make it safer for you to speak up and be vocal about harassment — especially when you are not the target or representative of the target group. Focus on the needs and experience of the target and ensure they receive the support they need.

• Let them know that what has happened to them isn’t their fault.
  
• Affirm that they didn’t do anything wrong.
  
• Express your support for the individual. “I saw what they just did. Are you OK?” or “I heard what that person said to you. I am so sorry.”
  

Everyone can help address an online culture that tolerates rape, sexual assault and relationship violence. Online comments that blame victims contribute to a broader climate in which violence is tolerated and not taken seriously.

• Believe and support those who share their experience of sexual and relationship violence. For example, thank them for sharing their stories in the comments of news articles and blog posts.
• Respond to victim-blaming, rape jokes, minimizing types of abuse or other problematic comments on social media. Post a response like, “Sexual assault is never the survivor’s fault,” to refocus accountability on the individual(s) who committed sexual abuse.
• Share affirming content for those who experience sexual and relationship violence and how to be an upstander/bystander.
  

Practice with friends and family what you would say and how you would say it if you’re ever put in the situation where you need to confront a harasser. Think of how you would like others to take action on your behalf, or reflect on a situation where you wish you had acted differently.