Intimate Partner Violence

Intimate partner violence is an intentional pattern of intimidation, humiliation, force, and/or additional abusive tactics used for the purpose of gaining power and control over an intimate partner. Usually, this pattern escalates over time. Intimate partner violence can take on many forms including physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, and/or economic abuse. It affects us all regardless of age, race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, ethnicity, class, or national origin.

Stats and Facts

• The highest rate of intimate partner violence is among women ages 16-24 (US Department of Justice, Violence Against Women Office, 2002)
• Battering and Abuse occurs in 25-33% of gay and lesbian relationships (Barnes, "It's Just a Quarrel", American Bar Association Journal, Feb 1998)
• One in four, or 25% of surveyed women and 7.6% of surveyed men said they were raped and/or physically assaulted by a current or former spouse, cohabitation partner or a date at some point in their lives (US Department of Justice, 1998)
• Estimates from the National Crime Victimization Survey indicate that in 1998, about 1 million violent crimes were committed against persons by their current or former spouses, boyfriends, or girlfriends (US Department of Justice, 2000)
• 81% of women who were stalked by a current or former partner were also physically assaulted by that same partner (US Department of Justice, 1998)
• Same-sex abusers use a form of abuse similar to those of heterosexual batterers, but they also have an additional weapon in the threat of "outing" their partner to family, friends, employers, or the community. (Lundy, Abuse that Dare Not Speak Its Name: Assisting Victims of Gay Domestic Violence in Massachusetts, Winter 1993).

Are You In An Abusive Relationship?

The dynamics of every relationship are unique. However, the following list may help you decide if you, or someone you know, is being abused by a partner. Does your partner:

• Constantly criticize you and your abilities as a partner?
• Behave in an over-protective manner or become extremely jealous?
• Threaten to hurt you, family members, friends, or himself/herself?
• Prevent you from seeing family or friends?
• Get suddenly angry or lose his/her temper?
• Destroy personal property or throw things around?
• Hit, punch, slap, kick, shove, choke or bite you?
• Prevent you from going where you want to, when you want to, and with whomever you want to?
• Make you have sex when you don't want to or do things sexually that you don't want to?
• Humiliate or embarrass you in front of other people?

If you are a survivor of intimate partner violence or a friend/loved one wishing to seek help, remember that you are not alone. Please contact one of the following resources for help:

• Wellness Exchange 24/7 Support Line:
  212-443-9999
• Health Promotion Office:
  726 Broadway, Suite 344 (212) 443-1234
• Counseling and Behavioral Health Services:
  726 Broadway, Suite 471 Central Office: (212) 998-4780
• Safe Horizons NYC Domestic Violence Hotline:
  1-800-621-HOPE
• New York City Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Project
  24-Hour Confidential Bilingual Hotline: (212) 714-1141New York State Coalition Against Domestic Violence

How to Support a Friend or Loved One

Knowing or suspecting someone has experienced intimate partner violence can be difficult. It can be hard to know what to do or what to say. You can make a meaningful difference in that person's life, however, if you approach that person without judgment or blame. The following are some ways to offer support when someone you know has been abused.

• Let your friend/loved one know that the abuse is not their fault. Reinforce that the abusive behavior is a choice that the abuser makes, and one that the abuser alone can change. Don't assume that your friend/loved one has not taken steps to remain safe if she/he does not decide to leave when you think she/he should.
• Let your friend/loved one know that they are not alone. You can help by listening, non-judgmentally, or offering to call for help. Let her/him know that there are resources and services that are available.
• Support your friend/loved one, even if they don't make the choices you think you would make. Leaving or ending the relationship may not be the safest option for your friend/loved one at that time. Remember that they are the expert on their own experiences and respect whatever decision they make.
• Don't ignore your own need to discuss your feelings as a friend or loved one. You can also contact one of the above-mentioned resources for information and support.