Additional Information
What is Abstinence?
There is no universal definition of abstinence. Definitions of abstinence may include: not having sexual intercourse until marriage; not having any physical contact with another person; having oral or anal sex, but not vaginal sex. None of these definitions is necessarily the "right" one. What is important is how you define abstinence for yourself and being able to communicate that to your partner(s).
Often the concept of abstinence is taught only in relation to heterosexual relationships, with marriage as the ultimate goal and sexual intercourse defined as penile-vaginal penetration. This narrow definition of sexual intercourse excludes those who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or those who may not choose marriage as a lifestyle option. It is possible to be abstinent regardless of your sexual orientation or current/future martial status.
What Does Abstinence Mean to You?
If you choose to be abstinent, like any well thought-out choice, that is a good decision. Take a moment and think about how you define abstinence. What, if any, sexual activities fit into your definition of abstinence? Is kissing okay? Is it okay to have oral sex? Is it okay to sleep naked with another person? Are you temporarily abstinent? Under what conditions would you a consider having penetrative intercourse?
Thinking about what is okay and what is not okay for you to do will help you set your boundaries. Setting boundaries will enable you to have control over your sexuality and to do what you feel ready and safe to do. Even if you have had sex in the past, you can decide to abstain if that is what you want to do now.
Why Do Some People Choose to be Abstinent?
There are many reasons why people choose to be abstinent, including (but not limited to):
- Life circumstances, such as being between relationships
- Religious or moral beliefs
- Not feeling physically or emotionally ready
- Medical reasons, such as vaginitis or painful intercourse
- Not having the time or energy to establish a sexual relationship
- Can't afford or obtain contraception/protection
- Wanting to decrease risk of getting a sexually transmitted infection
- Not wanting to risk pregnancy
- Wanting the opportunity to make deliberate decisions about when, where and how to express one's sexuality
- Wanting to wait until there is a commitment in a relationship
- Personal values
Abstinence and STIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections)
Many people who choose to be abstinent may think that they are not at risk for getting a sexually transmitted infection. Unfortunately this may not be true. Some activities that you may consider abstinent can put you at risk for a sexually transmitted infection.
- If you engage in unprotected oral or anal sex, you will put yourself at risk for HIV/AIDS, herpes, gonorrhea, Hepatitis B, and HPV (genital warts).
- Herpes can be spread from lips to genitals.
- Genital rubbing, mutual masturbation, and any activity that involves genital or fluid contact may put you at risk for HPV, Hepatitis B, gonorrhea, syphilis, and parasites such as lice, crabs, or scabies.
- Herpes can be spread through skin- to-skin contact (such as rubbing genitals) and through touching an open sore.
- Sharing sex toys can also put you at risk for herpes, chlamydia, syphilis, and HPV.
Being Both Abstinent and Sexual
You can be both abstinent and sexual. You can enjoy sexual feelings without necessarily acting on them. Or you can act on them within certain boundaries that you set. Kissing, hugging, touching and talking, to name a few, are all acts that may evoke sexual feelings. Being sexual encompasses emotions, not just physical acts.
If you decide on abstinence, that doesn't mean you must abstain from sexual intimacy. The following are some suggested activities you may enjoy. Use your imagination and have fun.
Eating
Eating can be a very sensuous activity. Cooking dinner for your partner, sharing food or feeding one another are just some suggestions for sensuous food experiences.
Sharing Time Together
Taking a "romantic" walk through a park, going to a movie or concert, exercising, window shopping, or taking a day trip to a specific destination are all ways to increase intimacy.
Exploring Bodies
Discover the different ways you and your partner can be turned on. You can enjoy each other and be satisfied without having intercourse.
Outercourse
Any low-risk (non-penetrative) physical activity between two individuals that does not involve the exchange of bodily fluids or as long as fluids don't touch broken skin.
Masturbating/Mutual Masturbation
Stimulating your own or your partner's genitals with a hand or an object is a great way to enhance sexual pleasure. This technique can be done while one partner watches or while kissing or hugging each other. This is also an activity for which you don't need a partner.
Massaging/Caressing/Body Rubbing
A body massage can be an erotic yet abstinent activity, a way of showing affection without having sex. Using body oils and lotions can add to the sensuousness of this activity.
Showering/Bathing
Many couples find this activity very pleasurable and stimulating. Adding candles or incense can make baths or showers highly romantic.
Sexual Fantasies/Sexy Talk/Phone Sex
Acting out fantasies and sharing intimate talk between partners can be highly erotic. Listening and participating in phone sex can be arousing as well.
Sex Toys
Sex toys such as vibrators and dildos, and even less traditional ones such as a feather, a paddle or soft scarf can be erotically stimulating and used to caress, stroke or stimulate the body. They should be washed thoroughly, especially if shared between partners. Cover these toys with a condom if they are to be inserted in the mouth, anus or vagina. A new condom should be used when the toys are exchanged between partners or used on different parts of the same partner.
Pornography/Erotica
Watching or reading pornography or erotica with your partner are other activities that may be highly arousing. This is also an activity for which you don't need a partner!
How to Communicate about Abstinence & Sex
Talking about being abstinent—talking about sex in general—can be difficult or awkward. It is very important, however, that you do discuss the issue with your partner before any kind of sexual contact. Remember that your definition of being "abstinent" or being "sexually active" may be different from your partner's definition. The following communication tips may help you when you talk to your partner about abstinence and sex.
- Decide what vocabulary to use when talking about body parts (e.g., should you use the anatomically correct word or a slang term?).
- It is virtually impossible for someone to read your mind. Don't expect your partner to magically know what you want.
- Acknowledge that this may be difficult to talk about. Reveal your own level of comfort. For example sat, "This isn't easy for me to talk about, but it's something that I've been thinking about a lot."
- Request permission to bring up the topic. Be sensitive to when it may or may not be appropriate to discuss (e.g. not right before an organic chemistry final exam or just as your partner is falling asleep).
- Give your partner permission to say something that might be upsetting to you by allowing him or her to finish talking before you talk. Listen to what your partner is saying before responding.
- Respect your partner's attitudes, values and feelings about sex even though they may be very different from yours.
- Trust your instincts. If you feel unsafe or coerced into doing or saying something, stop and remove yourself from the situation.
For Further Exploration…
If you have further questions about abstinence or sexually transmitted infections, if you are confused about what you want, or if you want to talk to someone about your options, contact Health Promotion & Wellness Services at the Student Health Center. Call 212-443-1234, visit 726 Broadway, 3rd floor, or e-mail us at health.promotion@nyu.edu