Journal Entry: July 12, 2000
by Lin Lin Calvin Ding, Special Contributor

It is so hot these days in Beijing. But that's not why I can't sleep tonight, I am used to the temperature. When my eyes are open, I see the darkness but when I shut them, I see her, the image of the girl smiling broadly at me.

I walked down the busy streets thinking to myself how hot it was. There was no wind, no clouds; just taxi cabs rushing around stirring up the dirt in the midsummer's night. As I approached the corner of a busy intersection, I noticed a girl standing behind a smoky grill that seemed to overshadow the girl in comparison. The girl wasn't very tall and looked fragile as if the slightest wind could blow her over, but the way she stood betrayed a proud heart. She wore pants that were once white, but now seemed brown with streaks of grease running down the hip. Her top was a worn out shirt with a dark ring running around the collar. The girl's hair was loosely weaved into two long pigtails that touched her waist, but what caught my attention were the two bright red bows that held her pigtails together. Resting peacefully beneath her was a little brown dog that seemed to be her only friend.

She looked to me and smiled. "Would you like to try some lamb kabobs?" she asked. "I'll take five", I replied and after a second of curious hesitation, "Oh, and I like it especially hot" I added with a grin. I reached into my pocket and drew out a bill, inadvertently touching her hands as she accepted it. She noticed my fingers on her. She looked down at my fingers then back at me. I noticed something peculiar happened to her countenance as she bit her lip and rosy pink filled her cheeks.

The grill was fashioned from rusty sheet metal and had a Jeep emblem on the side of it. She put five kabobs on the grill and with trained movements began to turn them. The heat from the grill radiated onto my face, and I took a step back to escape the wave. "Personally, I like them spicy too", she announced wiping perspiration from her face with her hands leaving a trail of soot beneath her right eye. This time I recognized a Hunan accent in her voice. I handed her a tissue, which she did not accept. Instead, she pulled a dingy rag from under the grill and wiped her face.

---

As I approached the corner of a busy intersection, I noticed a girl standing behind a smoky grill that seemed to overshadow the girl in comparison.

---

Beside the grill was a stack of newspapers. "When are we gonna get some rain?" I asked pointing at the stack. "I don't read them, couldn't afford to finish school. My dad died early, so I came here to the city to make some money and support my mom and kid sister. Been doing this for a coupla years now, it's good pay", she replied. "I'm sorry to hear that. My parents divorced when I was a kid. You're not the only one who hasn't seen their father much" I responded, hoping to make her feel better. "Does he love you?" she asked. I nodded. "Then we are both the lucky ones," she said confidently. I was taken back by the girl's maturity. She was so young but yet understood so much about life. I felt that we shared common experiences, but somehow fate had put me in front of the grill and her behind it.

After the kabobs were cooked, she neatly placed them on a sheet of newspaper and wrapped them. Suddenly a police van screeched to a halt in front of the stand. Three men jumped out and pushed over the girl's grill, spewing hot ashes on her feet. The girl's dog barked furiously at the men, but with a swift kick it was knocked back. "Don't you know that you can't fucking grill near an intersection, you stinking bitch", yelled one officer. And with that they drove away just as suddenly as they had appeared.

She began to cry clutching her brown dog tightly in her arms. I knelt besides her helping her to pick up what was left of the grill. She insisted that I didn't need to help, but I continued, pretending not to hear her. After we managed to set the grill upright again she pulled while I pushed the grill further away from the intersection. The cart was heavy and the wheels shrieked as I pushed it. We finally stopped under a tree and she began setting up her stand again. "Those cops are always badgering us from the country side." "So this wasn't the first time something like this has happened?" I asked. "No, but they aren't gonna stop me. The way I see it, as long as those cops don't take my grill I can keep making money. And as long as I keep making money, my kid sister can go to school." Still not fully recovered from the shock, she tried unsuccessfully to light a match with her shaking fingers. I took out my Zippo lighter and lit the charcoal. As the glow of the grill intensified, the girl became calmer. With the charcoal burning, hot embers rose towards the sky, and under the dim light of sparks, she seemed so brave and beautiful. The look of fear in her eyes, the strength she had to keep going, her inner beauty that transcended this chaotic world…this is why I am unable to sleep.