The Stern School of Arts
by Frank Lan, Special Contributor

Have you ever let a 5-year-old make breakfast alone? It usually involves spilled milk, eggs burning on the stove, pancake batter on the floor, and a healthy dose of tear shedding and wailing. Now what happens when you give 400 Sternies a couple of paintbrushes and a mandate to draw? No, you don't get a stack of counterfeit bills. Instead, you get six highly criticized student-made paintings blazoning from the walls of the oft-visited Stern computer labs at 40 W. 4th Street. In an effort to liven up Stern's sterile halls with an air of school spirit, Dean Choi and company have commissioned a collection of student artwork that not only fails at the objective, but also shows what we all knew: Stern kids can't draw.

A Picture Speaks a Thousand Words
Although I am sure that each work was designed with only good intentions in mind, the end result strikes me, along with a number of other observers, as lacking professionalism and more importantly, taste. Allow me to offer a disclaimer first: I AM NOT HERE TO CRITIQUE ART. Instead, I'd like to point out the message that these works convey to their viewers: Stern is full of greedy, single-minded, over-competitive hell spawns.

Let's browse through the drawings for a second. Take, for example, the painting of a MasterCard advertisement parody. It says: "Fake ID: $80/ 2 Broadway Tix $160/ Tuition: $30,000/ Beating a Wharton Kid for a Job: Priceless." How about the adjacent painting, in which a student is daydreaming the headline, "TIME: Wharton renamed for Stern Grad." Another painting takes a more scientific approach at Stern's majesty. It depicts Stern as the center of the solar system, encircled by noticeably diminutive planets representing other prominent business schools like Wharton, MIT, UC Berkeley, and University of Michigan. Anyone see a trend here? This is akin to a porno cameraman suffering from a chronic case of penile envy. To top that off, there's a painting with a derby-sporting monkey holding wads of money in his hands, flanked by a frog and a bobcat. I find it hard to ridicule this last painting, as I have absolutely no idea what it's supposed to mean.

So in summary, the works look like the creations of an exceedingly greedy 5-year-old with exceedingly bad hand-eye coordination. Individually, each work is cute and harmless. Collectively, however, they begin to show an unhealthy preoccupation with dollar signs ($$$) and a demented aversion to other business schools, namely University of Pennsylvania's Wharton School.

Keepin' it Gangsta
Aside from some quiet discontent, the general reaction to these new masterpieces has been rather lukewarm so far amongst students (and anyone unfortunate enough to be stuck in the computer labs all day doing homework). On the other hand, even top NYU brass has been overheard questioning the merits of the student works, with good reason. Some have repeatedly asked whether the works should be displayed so frivolously in the first place, given that they belittle other schools and feature creative vocabulary like "Keepin' it Gangsta!!" on a poster featuring Dean Choi. This must be the first time in recorded history in which an accredited university has featured school sponsored "Keepin' It Gangsta!!" signs.

Word up Dean Choi-mad props for keeping this 'ish gangsta. Now, where my glock at?

Others have also expressed simpler concerns like: Given the high volume of important government and business dignitaries visiting Stern, would these works hurt their opinions of NYU? Better yet, wouldn't it be ironic if they were Wharton and UC Berkeley alumni? I bet they'd love seeing their beloved alma maters ridiculed by 400 Stern freshmen who still call their parents every night. Or maybe they'd be impressed by our Northeastern charm?

I can't wait to see their awestruck faces.

School Pride
Although I'm no Picasso either, I think I've found a better way to show some school pride. We can all lay siege to Stern, breach its all-inviting walls, fight past Victor Mullins and his minions, tear down those drawings, and donate them to MOMA.

All kidding aside, those works, however well intentioned, give off the wrong message about Stern, and more importantly, NYU at large. They should be taken down… and replaced by 40 inch plasma HDTV's.

In the meantime, if anyone needs me, I'll be giving painting lessons in front of Gould Plaza. And remember: "Keep it Gangsta!!"

For comments, questions, and hate-mail, Frank may be reached at: fwl200@nyu.edu