According to urban legend, a sense of humor is essential in a man. It's quite a feat to make a girl laugh, and if you can't make her laugh, the least you can do is make her smile. If you lack this quality or are dead inside, then I will share with you a story of mine that has made many people laugh. It goes something like this:

Once I took a dump in the library. After I finished, I went to go check my email, and then I went to go study in the other side of the library. I got tired of studying, so I went to go check my email again. When I ran out of things to do, I went to go study again. I got tired again, so as I was walking home, I decided to stop by Stern Lab and check my email again. Once I got there, I saw my friends doing their work. Then Frank comes up to me and asks, "Doug, why do you have toilet paper sticking out of your pants?"

It's a great story, and people always laugh whenever I tell it. Then they start wondering about my wiping habits, and now that I think about it, creating a visual image of me sitting on the crapper isn't really the best thing to do when with a girl. Actually, nevermind, it's not a good idea to tell that story. Forget what I just wrote.

Let's move on. In addition to a sense of humor, girls really dig a guy with confidence. Girls have their own issues with self-esteem problems, so they don't have the time or the desire to toss a lifesaver to a guy drowning in his own self-pity. If you're shy and awkward and lack confidence, then liquid courage may serve as a potent option. Alcohol can act as a catalyst and jumpstart your pathetic self-esteem. Once I got really trashed before a formal and ended up dancing with this girl I had a crush on since Freshman year of high school. By the end of the evening, being under the influence, I called my Prom date "a little whore" the week before the Senior Prom. Now that I think about it, that's not good either. Perhaps drinking too much isn't the best thing to do when with a girl. Let's forget about this, too, and move on to another subject.

Above all else, the most important thing is to make the date special and memorable. If you show her a good time, then it's quite likely that she'll come back for some more. I won't make a list enumerating the step-by-step of things to do, but I will tell you this: girls don't like guys who are cheap. So when you take her to that special place, feel free to wine and dine her without paying much care to your wallet. Let her Supersize and stay away from the Dollar Menu. The last time I was at McDonald's with a girl, I was halfway through a chicken sandwich before she ran to catch a bus to Water Street and I hobbled to the toilet. Now that I think about it, maybe McDonald's isn't a good place to take your date. Why don't we just forget about this as well?

How rather strange. I'm not quite sure why this is, but every time I start to say something, it ends up with me telling an embarrassing story. That's not how a dating column is supposed to work. Maybe I don't really know much about this, which would certainly explain why my Saturday nights consist of playing Freecell and talking on Instant Messenger to people doing their laundry. Well, if anything, I hope that you can walk away from this column with a sense of what you're not supposed to do with a girl. I hope this has been helpful somehow, and perhaps next time (if there is a next time) I can give you some advice that you can surely use, like, always check for toilet paper coming out of your pants after using the bathroom.

Questions and comments can be sent to Douglas at douglit@hotmail.com.

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