Lisa Brown: The God of Small Things

Going Backwards

I like reliving the moments in time, the joy, the pain, the disappointments, the victories, seeing the birth of a human being and death. Going backwards in time, is seeing my life as a stranger, the good, the bad and the ugly. I like Seeing all that makes me want to change the bad to good and a chance to right the wrongs. I think, if I could moved backwards starting from when I just woke up this morning, up until when I was a baby, will I remember those? I want to see the kind of person I was. Was I loved? Was I well taken cared of? I'm sure they were the best years of my life, but I have no way of telling. I, received love and attention, then I faded into nonexistence, not even a thought or a memory. I was going backwards. I was going backwards into history like a time machine, to see all the people of the past, only as a shadow. I can see the people of the past, what they were like.

Going backwards in time, is like watching my life through a VCR. All I have to do is rewind and there I can see my life. What a sight it will be. I could sit in front of the TV with a group of my friends, seeing my life with my own eyes, laughing, crying, surprised, in shock and ashamed. Come to think of it, that would be quite scary sight, everyone will see the things I don't want them to see, the real me, the things I do in secret. Wow! You know, I have a reputation to uphold. No one is supposed to know the real me. I need to be mysterious, keep people on their toes, hide the real me, give people what they want to see and everything will be fine. I think I better review the my own life first. It would be too embarrassing if people saw me. What would people think of me, if they haven't already form their own thoughts about me.

What would it be like if I saw myself, movng backwards into time, I believe I would change the things I didn't like and maybe pause on the little things that really matters to me. The moments I had when I first received my first toy, finding $10 on the ground and spending it on myself, having a small part in a play or those moments I look at a boy I liked. It would be nice to relive the good old times again, but the reality is, I can't. The only time I'll get to see my life would be from the time I die to the time I was born, when I have to face my creator, God . Then I'll have to really see myself, the good and the bad. But maybe God has forgotten the bad and all I can see are the good, wouldn't that be wonderful.

If I had the power to go back into time, it would be a time I would erase all the painful times in my life and replace them with happy times. Am I dreaming or what?

Circle of Time

How can life be a circle of time. I always thought once you die, that's it. Once you leave this earth, the life that I once had led is just a memory, never to be repeated again. If life is just a circle in time, that means you die only to live again? Life is supposed to be a learning experience; the good, the bad and the ugly. Every mistake made will always be repeated again and again. There will be no generations, no future to look forward to, because life gets repeated again and again. Silly me to think I can plan for the future when there will be nothing for me benefit from it. That means there will be no since of life and death.

So who controls this circle of time. It's definitely not me or maybe it is a higher being who decided to play a mean joke on the human race. Let's look at it from another point of view, someone who has a great life, would want to live their life over and over again and not change a thing. There are others whose who are living a very miserable life and wish their life to be better. So who benefits? I think the one who has the better life. They have nothng to lose nor nothing to gain, because in their world everything is great, regardless of how shallow it may seem, it is their life. This circle of time reminds me of a movie, Ground Hogs Day. In the movie, Bill Murray realizes that every time he wakes up, the day before epeates itself over and over again. He understood what was happening and he took steps to change things.

I think people will get hip to this. It means people will began to think something is seriously wrong here. They will see that things look very familiar, and to some of us, we may not want to relive this life all over again. To relive life all over again is torture and we must begin to think of a means to end it. To some, no matter how long they live in this present life they will always look forward to reliving it again. Many of us has mixed feelings about our lives, happy, sad, content, beautiful and ugly. People will realize that all of their dreams for the future are dead so why look to the future? Once humans realize this, they will invent ways to make life here on earth better for generation to come.

Whoever is controlling this circle of time, must realize that human will try to think of ways to remove itself from this time frame. The idea of allowing life to live on the outside of this circle of time will create a generation that can move on until years to come. Maybe create a pararllel dimension where liife will be different. Maybe a world with artificial human beings. Human beings not born of natural birth but through a test tube. Beings that are conditioned to live life the way they want o live that is full of happiness, never to feel discontent and poor. Human beings can create a world that people will never be in need and anyone that goes against it will be exiled somewhere else. There will be a future where humans can make history and be proud of it.

Its scary to think life can repeat itself over and over. To think there will be no history books for us to read about our past, because there is no past. If there is no past, then there is no future. Nothing to hope for except repeating my own life. Although the reality of life can be hard, if we can just only steal small moments of happiness it sould make life a little better to endure. It is those small moments that matters the most.

Things Fall Apart

People must except change whether it's good or bad. The way a person deals with change is soley up to that individual. Some of us except change gracefully and there are others that don't. In Things Fall Apart, Okonkwo did not except the changes that occurred in his village. When something new is introduced into our lives, it causes us to change, whether we like it or not. The world is constantly changing round us and we must change with it. Even today, I think there are people who still are living in the past.

Change is never easy because of; pride, old beliefs, old habits, and certain lifestyle. Growing up from being young to growing old is a change. A lot of us don't want to grow old, because we cannot except what is meant by growing old. It is meant that we'll never stay young , no more having fun and can't do the things we used to do. I believe age is only a state of mind, it brings wisdom and maturity. Being old can give a person a reason to take it easy, slow down and really enjoy life, no more living for someone else, you can now live for yourself. In my mind, I'll always be young and I'll never get old.

Change is necessary, because it helps a person to have a different perspective on life. Life will never be boring, because there is always something that is changing, be it yourself, family, job, career, lifestyle or knowledge. Recently, my supervisor recently visited Africa and she saw that people still live the way the people did in the Bible. There are some African countries that are still suspended in time. If change was to occur for these people how will the react? Would they react the way Okonkwo did? Or would they just accept that times have to change. Life for those people are simple and they seemed happy, why should we try to change them.

What are our attitude towards change? Do we accept it or do we fight it? I know for me I can't accept change, especially if its going to cause me to struggle. I hate the feeling change produces in me. Change sometimes is difficult for me, because I have to do things differently, especially if someone suggested it, plus it interrupts my comfort Okonkwo went through many changes in his life, growing up to be a man, marriage, being exiled and returning home to find things are no longer the same. I could imagine Okonkwo coming home, after five or six years in exile, seeing things are no longer the same. His relationship with his son is destroyed, because his's son, Nwoye, chose to live the way of the new comers and that infuriated his father. He disowned him. When we are young the point of view and that's from our parents changes because of outside interest.

How do we deal with change? First, we must accept change, good or bad. Change helps us to grow and helps us to look at things differently; the way we live our lives and how we interact with other people. Its a shame that pride can keep people from moving ahead. The world is larger than us and its constantly changing, nothing will ever remain the same.

Okonkwo could not accept these strangers moving into his home land and changing things. Change seemed forced upon them and there was nothing that anyone could do about it. Okonkwo decided to go against these changes. He stood up for what he believed in and it got him into trouble. In the end, everthing fell apart for Okonkwo and he very acted rashly, and he committed suicide. Suicide, which in certain African societies is a dishonerable act and the dead body will not be buried with his people. It was the changes had killed him.

People need to change at their own pace. In the book, Things Fall Apart, the people had no choice, but to change. There was these strangers coming into their land and forcing a new way of life and the people had no choice but to accept. I respect that change is good, but people should change when they are ready to. Even the smallest of changes can be a step in the right direction, but change is a choice.

God Dies by The Nile

God does not exist when a person has lost everything that is dear to them. People are faced with many tragedies and it is a matter of how people can handle it. If a person had survived on tragedy, you better believe they can handle anything. I thought what was tragic, was when I read, God Dies by the Nile, Zakeya loses her family because of the Mayor, of her village. This man lived like god. He was untouchable. He did anything he wanted, because he was a very important man, and whatever he wanted, he got it by all means necessary. Couldn't we way that there are two gods? In the end of the story both gods died by the Nile. Zakeya killed them both to stop them from trouble her. It was her act of revenge.

The book, focused a lot on the exploitation of poor people. There's the trageic story of a woman losing her family. I thought the book was nicely written and it gaves a vivid description of the treatment women in the Arab world. The beating of a woman or girl is normal, it right thing to do. It made them submissive, to shun out what is beautiful about women and it is to keep women from rising up. Women are subjected to all kinds of abuse; sexual , mental, emotional, and physical. Two womem I thought appeared to be slightly equal to man, becuase they were allowed to speak their mind and they were the mayor's wife and Fatheya, Sheikh Hamzow's wife. Not once did the men thought of beating them.

I found that the men Kafrawi and Masoud were cowards, when their daughters refused to go when ask to, comments like; "Do you mean that in your household, it's the girl who decides what should be done?" or When the girls refuses and the fathers don't know what to do. They accept guidance from the proment men whose response is , "Is that a question for a man to ask?, Beat her, my brother, beat her once and twice and thrice. Do you know that girls and women are only convinced if they receive a good hiding?" When you are poor, you go alone with what you have. There is the no back bone. There is no means to fight back. You take what you can get and you hope that things will get better.

Look at what happens to Nefissa and Meinad, both girls ran away to other towns to get away from the evil that awaits them at home. Then Kafrawa and Galal were sent to gaol, for crimes they never committed because of a greedy Mayor. Young women are easiest to get to, because of they are very neive and innocence.

Its always been customary for people of power to exploit the poor for their own selfish purposes. What will it take for the people of power to realize the more they take advantage of the poor, the more they will fight against them for all the mistreatment they have endured for years. So they have to fight for the right to live as human beings to make it better for the future generaltions to come.

Its a shame to see tragedy strike a family so hard because of exploitation and greed. Why can't people be satisfied with what they have? Poor people deserve better. These stories of people in the Middle East are no different from what's happening to people around the world. The poor are being exploited, women are used and abused and treated like dirt and children are stripped away from their parents to satisfy man's evil desires. We are looking at a future that will come when our young will grow up to be a heartless society that only cares for themselves. These kinds of treatment should alarm us. Because we hear so many different stories throughtout our lives, we've become hardened towards them and the feeling is "what else is ". In order to keep our hearts soft, we must have compassion on these people, and figure out a way to make life better for them and for our future. The God that Dies by the Nile is about God who only exist for its selfish purpose. It's not a compassionate God as we grow up believing, but a God that does not show mercy to those who need him the most. Poor people must steal a little moment of happiness by trying to be unified with each other by fighting for the right to be content.

My Goals

What is our goal in life? What is our reason for living? What is our destiny? Do we know these things? For some of us, we do and for others they don't. How do we determine our destiny? Well that will be up to the individual to decide. What is the meaning of destiny? It is predetermine, but by whom? Myself, God, other people, or a higher being. I'll leave that up to the individual to think about. Destiny is this resistless power, real or imaginary power, determined by the course of events, choice and alternatives, a continuance of activity and functional behavior that tend to determine eventual status, progress or a decline. I believe, destiny can be determine by a divine power and human power. Whoever is in control of ones life, controls their destiny.

A destiny can be big or small. In the book, The God of Small Things, could mean that its the little things that can control our destiny whether good or bad. How we live our lives determines our future. Take Estha and Rahel's life. I got the impression they weren't really loved by their family. Their mom, Ammu, wasn't exactly a happiest woman. Baby Kochamma did like her and her children. She felt the twins were doomed. I 've found their life to be pretty sad. When we are living in situations that looks bleak, especially when you are a kid, you try to find some happiness when there is none. As a kid you find happiness no matter where you are at. I think that's what the twins did. I find them interesting and I can relate to them both. Although they had each other, their was this since of loneliness and wanting something but don't know what it is and where to find it.

Esthappen or Estha, as he became and adult, kept to himself. He stopped speaking to people and became withdrawn and out of touch with the real world. He would take daily walks by himself and his family felt he wasn't wrap to tight. I sense that he doesn't want to deal with people, because being first raised by his mom and her relatives and then later on had to live with his fathe that things never work out for the best. Now, I know that with twins there is this special bond between them, that if you break it, it could change them forever and I believe some of the events in his life caused him to be withdrawn. One, was a brief incident, with the Lemondrink and Orangedrink man at the counter, who gave him a free drink, and had the boy jerk him off which he kept remembering. The whole incident made him so sick to his stomach that he wanted to throw up. I think that alone can screw up a persons mind. It definitely would screw up my mind completely. I was in the same situation as he, but only worse. The their was the death of Sophie Mol who drawned. All three kids tried to run away because they were trying to make Ammu feel quilty for yelling at them. Those were only a few of things that caused Estha to be withdrawn.

Rahel, I thought she would grow up to be gay, she seems like a loner herself, she has no children, she also lost Sophie Mol, she barely know of her father, her relationship with her mom was not the best, she was average in school, was suspended from school, was separated from her brother, she share in his dreams and thoughts, she got married, moved to New York, got divorced, moved back to India, when Estha returned home and her mom died at age of 31. What kind of person Rahel was, I think a lonely person. Someone who doesn't have close friends. She's not tight with her family except her brother and not really sure what to do with her life except live. She didn't strike me as a person who was interested in being romantically involved with a man, but maybe her brother. She connected emotionally and mentally with her brother, but what twin doesn't, but it was special to her.

Whatever happens in their life whether I thought was good or bad, its was the small moments they had in their lives that mattered the most to them. Although I thought everyone lived a sad life, its those moments of joy a person must have in order to keep hope alive. In the end Ammu and Velutha had their moment of sexual joy and promised each other tomorrow, even it they knew that they may never have it again. It was something to look forward too. Or the moments between Estha and Rahel, the silent moments between the two although small as they may be it was important them. What small things in my life that are important, because I think that its the big things that matter and sometimes they don't. As I read thoughtout the book, I kept coming across, "The Big and the Small", and "these are only the small things."

Hell Monologue

Everywhere around this room, I see colors of red, orange and yellow. It's so hot; I could melt in here. I'm trapped, like a caged animal, with nowhere to escape. This room is dark and it smells like sulfur and its suffocating. Why am I here? I remember falling asleep and that's all I can remember. I turn around and it's dark and eerie in here. There's a bed with a red bedspread draped across it. It has a dragon on it and the dragon is outlined with black but its red all over. I go to the door and I turn the knob, Ouch! The doorknob is really hot. Where am I? I look around the room and I see a window with long black curtains, I guess its black, I see a night stand with a lamb, with brass bottom and a red shade with a red light bulb. I look over in the corner of the room and there is a chair and it looks like someone is sitting in the chair.

"Hello", I say, but no response.

I move away from the door and I'm perspiring so badly and I walk over to the corner of the room. The figure sitting in the chair is sitting very still; it almost looks like a statue. This is really scary. I'm trapped; I don't know what to do. This figure sitting in the chair has eyes that are like fire and it feels like its burning deep into my soul. I don't know if it's a man or a woman. Why is it just sitting there, doing nothing? Wait a minute it blinked.

"Who are you, Why is this room hot? And why are you sitting in that chair like that?" I said.

"Well who are you? the figure spoke. You tell me why you are here?"

"Well if I knew why I'm here, I wouldn't have ask you that question." My name is Lisa, and I don't know why I'm here. All I know is that I went to bed last night and I wake up and I'm here." What is this place? And why is it so hot in here?"

"This is my domain, I call it home", the figure spoke.

"So what is this place?" I asked.

"Well most people call it hell."

"Hell", I said. "What do you mean hell? My idea of hell is when you die and a person did not live a good life according to the powers that be, and it sends you to hell. Or just live in a world that is full of chaos, misery, death and pain and that could be a version of hell. Hell is where God sends bad people for eternity."

"I guess you are here"

"No, I don't want to be here, I don't deserve to be here, I don't want to be tormented in fire for eternity."

"Well you put yourself here, so deal with it."

"But it's not fair"

"Not fair, you don't know what it means to be fair. Just deal with it".

"No, I refuse."

"There's nothing you can do about it. Your God sent you here to me. You belong to me. I have your soul in the palm of my hand. You were faithful to me. I know who you are and what you are all about."

"I thought I was a good person, I thought I did what I could do to get to heaven. Why me?" My face is streaked with tears. I can't believe I'm here because of one act of pleasure an act to feel loved by a man, and to be touched and caressed. What will I do? Oh God, I can't believe I'm here. Before I went to sleep, I was in a room feeling so bad, I was coughing so badly that my throat hurt and I was spitting up so much blood. I felt so miserable. So when I lay down to sleep, I felt peaceful as I closed my eyes. Now I wake up and I'm standing in front of this figure that is telling me I'm in hell. "So who are you?"

"Oh, I go by many names; Lucifer, Satan, Prince of Darkness, whatever name you wish to call me."

"I thought I never would step foot here and here I am".

"Oh, by the way don't mention the word, God in my domain. I am the God here. You will enjoy being here with me, so shut up, stop whining and get a grip."

"Get a grip! My life is over and you are telling me to get a grip." Feeling so miserable, guilty, angry and sad all at the same time. "You shut up and leave me alone", I said. Poof and the figure disappeared just like that. Wait a minute. Where did it go? Oh no, what have I done. What am I going to do? Crying again. Feeling really low and stupid. "Please, whoever you are, come back, I'm sorry. But you have to understand, how I feel, I thought I was going to paradise and I end up here. Give me another chance. Where do I go from here?"


Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs, love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth, it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (Bible NIV). Is this the love that the god of small things is after? Everyone wants to be loved. What I got from the book, God of Small Things, was each character describes the god of small things. She is not happy, but she is content. She is lonely, but unfulfilled. I felt sad for each character because they are sad. It is easy to be lonely, because you only have yourself to deal with. People can hurt you and it will be hard to recover from that pain.

Each character must suffer or else. Each person desires something. Velutha desires to be treated as an equal. He doesn't want to be looked upon as a bad element, who is only good for working for the Atouchable, fulfilling their needs and wants. The way Velutha is being treated like he is a slave, he only he gets paid and is allowed some privileges, but he still being treated like a slave.

Ammu, would like to be held, touched, caressed, loved, and appreciated by someone, because she didn't get that from her family or her ex-husband. Her family doesn't care if she got married. They just wanted her out of the way. When she returned home after her divorced, her family weren't' happy to see her and her children. Their attitude was once your out you're out, why come back? She was lonely and bitter and she took it out on her children. They ran away with their cousin, Sophie Mol, which was a disaster. This left the family totally devastated for a long time. The family alienated Ammu and her children. Before the death of Sophie Mol, she was caught making love with Velutha, by the Riverbank. They were both found out, her family locked her up in her room and called the police on Velutha, saying he committed a crime against the family, which was a bold face lie. They were afraid of an "untouchable" getting closer to a "touchable". I believe, around this moment, was when she yelled at her kids blaming them. It was a way for her to release many years of frustration that was all bottled up inside her. I know she loves her children, but loving them were not enough for her. She was trapped in a life of emptiness and no way out.

I can't say much about Rahel, except that she is lonely person. I didn't get the impression that she's searching for anything. She just existed. She had no friends and she seemed content living her life just the way it is. She was so absorbed with her own thoughts that people didn't matter to her except her brother. Twins usually have that connection.

Estha is the same way as his sister. He prefers to live in silence. He won't speak to anyone and he prefers his own little world. He is the boy who walks around empty beaches or quiet neighborhoods, with his head down, kicking at anything on the ground, feeling sad and blue. He prefers the quiet, but inside, he's in turmoil, battling to be part of something or the pains childhood; a one time sexual encounter, being accused for his cousin's death, being yelled at by his mom and not really being loved. He won't relate to people, because they mean nothing to him except bodies taking up space.

I feel sorry for these characters because they seemed to be no hope for them. Everything looks hopeless. They seemed content on being sad, but for some reason they are not miserable. I thought humans are supposed to be seeking out happiness? There were times when Rachel and Estha, were happy when they went to see the "Sound of Music", seeing Velutha, and going boat riding, but I felt they led a very sad life, and no one really got what they wanted except sadness. We need to spend our lives doing things that will make us happy. The characters in this book were not searching for happiness. They accepted situations as it came along. No one did anything to change what was not right, and they never looked for the bright side. The characters were depressing and it made me sad, that I felt sorry for them. I don't remember these people ever dreaming or thinking about the future, only the past. Those small moments or that little side note, the person thought was important to mention. They seem to want to stay sad and that's fine with them. When do we get tired of feeling sad? We all need to be loved, and we need to hear that people do appreciate us. I wonder if I can live the rest of my life just being content? I don't think so. The goal is to find happiness and I wish the same for the characters in The God of Small Things.

To Kill

I spend a lot of my time wondering who am I and why am I here. Since I have no answers to those questions, I just sit around and think. At this point, I've been thinking so much, that I'm tired of thinking. I try to get along with people, but I have this impression that no ones likes me. I don't have any friends and besides who needs them. My relatives don't care for me and that's just fine with me, besides who needs them. I have my brother and we get alone just fine. I have accepted his silence. He's been this way for a long time and we understand each other every well. What's next? What do I do with the rest of my life? Maybe I'll do something spontaneous, like commit a murder, but whom would I kill? It's not like I hate people. I just want to know what's it like to kill someone and can get away with it. You see, I have this dark side about me that only comes when I have to much time to myself to think and since I'm a god, I can do anything I want and there's nothing anyone can do about it. I don't focus on the big things, because they are too obvious, I focus on the small things, because people don't pay attention to the little things and I can use that to my advantage.

In the mist of my lounging around the house, I came upon this book, Mao II. This book looked very interesting, so I picked it up and began to read it. I'm reading this book and its about 10pm and I've read almost the entire book and I stop to reflect. First of all I really don't like this writer. He sounds a little like me. We both want to hide from the world. We want to be left alone. He is very lonely and so am I. Yeah, Bill has Scott and Karen, his children, who are grown up and he has his book, but he is still empty, just like me. I don't understand, he's has a lot going for him and he's unfulfilled and he' hiding. From what? People? Himself? The World? His Writing? I don't like the idea that there is someone out there in this world like me. There's not enough room for any more miserable people.

Bill Gray is pathetic. He's a drinker, pill popper, a smoker and an old man. Everywhere he goes he must have a drink, morning, noon and night. He always has to have a cigarette and he's basically ready for the morgue. As I'm reading the book, there is this hostage situation in Beirut and Bill is sent to London to help negotiate a man's release. A bomb went off and I almost wish Bill had gotten killed when it went off, but unfortunately he's still alive. Now, I must invent a way to kill him. It should not be a problem to kill him, he is an easy target, we do not know each other, and we are worlds apart, he is a long way from home and no one knows where he is. Since Scott thinks Bill's actions sometimes are suicidal, this will be an easy kill. There are many ways I can kill this man. Maybe, I he could have and overdose of those pills he be popping, drug his drink, and switch the contents in his cigarettes. I could also have him step over some time bomb and call it, him being at the wrong place at the wrong time or get him into a car alone and make the car go over the cliff, but it must made to look suicidal.

Why should I kill this man? What has he done to me? Well, he's done nothing to me. As I said before, I'm looking for something to focus my attention on. He's got nothing to really live for. He won't be missed and it was expected. He is hopeless, empty, and unfulfilled, he surely won't be missed, believe me. This world has enough to worry about, to worry about some writer who's dead. I'm sure Bill Gray has sat around, trying to find the right words, the right thoughts, and the right sentences to complete his book and at the same time wondering what is his purpose for living. Instead of feeling sorry for himself, he should go and experience more of the world. Isn't that what 60 year old people do with their time. He's just like me, hopeless, confused, sad, and in a state of, "I don't know what to do with my life", kind of feeling. At least he has people who love him. I don't have that, it would be nice if people showed me that they care, but they don't. Now, let me get to this issue at hand, the man needs to die. The more I think about it, the more I feel this man needs to die and I'm going to make it happen. Besides, I am a god and I can do anything I want

I see Bill Gray, he's going into his room, I can't remember the name of the hotel, but I can see him from the stairwell. Its 12 am in the morning and he smells like a brewery, perfect. He has trouble getting the key into the lock. Hmm, maybe I should help him? Naw, he needs to feel he's alone. He's finally got the key into the lock, he's going in, and he shuts the door. I walk towards his door and the hallway is dimly lit, the carpeted is red and cushion and the walls are wood covered with the color of mahogany. I put my ear to the door and I hear very little activity in the room, so I walk through it. Whoa, this is too bazaar for me. I'm actually walking through the door. I can't believe this. What am I thinking, I'm a god, of course I can walk through the door. There he is, sitting on the bed, with his shoes untied and his jacket thrown across the chair. His room has a haunted look when he has the lamp on. He 's drinking from a silver canister. Oh, this is too easy. He's still getting loaded up on more booze. Oh, he's gonna make my job a lot easy. He puts the canister down and lays down on the bed. I walk towards the table, I put cyanide into his drink, shake it up and I place the canister back on the table. Good he hasn't seen me because his eyes close. I walk over to the chair by the door and sit down. Uh, oh, he opens his eyes, turns his head, picks up the canister, and put it to his lips, he drinks, he puts it down and he lays back down. I watch for about 40 minutes and suddenly, he goes into convulsions, his eyes opens very wide, as if his eyes are about the pop out, his body violently shakes, twist and turns on the bed and for about a minute and he is still. I go over towards the bed, look down on him, place my hand near his mouth and nose to see if there's any air coming out. I felt none. I look down at this chest to see if it rises and falls and it doesn't. I check for his pulse and I felt none. I look at his face and his eyes are open and they are empty so I place my hand over his face and closed his eyelids. He's dead. He died empty. My job is done. I open my eyes and I'm in my room, lying on the bed. Was I dreaming?

Wake Up

I open my eyes and I look out the window to figure out what time it is, because the the sun is barely out. It's still dark and I can see streaks of clouds in the sky. How beautiful the sky looks I can look at the sky for as long as I want to but I can't. I get up and I look at the clock on the VCR and its 5:20 am in the morning. I don't need an alarm clock to wake me up, because I have this natural ability to wake up. Normally I would look at my watch, but I forgot to put it back on my arm last night. I'm still sleepy and I don't want to get up. I still have 10 more minutes to rest before I read my bible. Maybe, I'll just lay here, naw, I better get up, because before I know it, it will be 6:00 and then I must physically stretch and move myself to the bathroom. So I reach over, get my book, Thirty Days at the Foot of the Cross and my bibles. I'm laying down, trying to read about overcoming certain issues in my character. I fight hard to stay awake and I win. It's past 6:00 am and it's time for me to go into the bathroom. I get up, walk past my roommate's bedroom and she hasn't gotten up yet, because her light isn't on. I go in the bathroom, turn on the light, turn the shower on, pee, take off my night clothes, get into the shower, wash, get out of the shower, towel off, brush my teeth, wash my face and I leave the bathroom and I do all this in a matter of 30 minutes. I leave the bathroom, again I walk past my roommates room and I see her light is on, she's up, I go to my room, I look into the closet and I rummage through to decide what to wear. I pull out my short pleated skirt and white knitted top with the zipper in the front and place it on the mattress. I get my lotion sit down on the mattress and lotion myself. I get back up, take my iron, go out into the living room and iron my clothes on the iron board. I knock on the bedroom door, ask my roommate for lent brush so I can take the lent off my skirt. I finish ironing, I put on my clothes, talk to my roommate for a bit and I leave my house.

She wakes up at dawn when the rooster crows. She pushes the covers off of her, stretches and yawns. She gets out of bed, walks down the hall and looks in on her children and smiles, because they look like angels. She thinks how beautiful her children look sleeping so peacefully and almost feels guilty about waking them up. She thinks, "I'm going to let them sleep a little while longer". She goes into the kitchen and prepares the morning breakfast, but before she prepares it, she must bathe and straighten up the house while everyone is still asleep. She hums to herself and thinks about her day. She looks out of the window and the sun is high in the sky, shinning brightly in the kitchen. It is so quiet in the house, it's almost like heaven, no noise, except the morning sounds; the birds chirping, the crickets cricking and the smell of morning, wishing it would be like this all the time. She has a chance to think about her life, being a mom with children and no husband and how lonely it feels not having a man around to touch her and to awakened feelings that are dead inside. She's thinking what it feels like to be touched and caressed. What can a woman do to feel loved again. She hears the children stirring around. She wish the peace and quiet could last a little longer. Let me start breakfast. The children are in the kitchen. "Good morning, little ones, what do you want for breakfast"?

We are very different from each other, except that feeling of serenity we experience early in the morning. We enjoy the sun's bright shiny raise early in the morning and the peace we both feel. We both see that the time we have to ourselves is very special to us and we cherish it throught our day. We appreciate the early mornings because it speaks of peace and it allows us to not to think about what our day is going to be like. The difference in us lies in the fact I don't have children to be responsible for and I believe that's the only difference between us. We are both lonely and in need to be loved and we think about what its like to be held by a man and him telling us how much he loves us.



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