Act V
Scene 1
Athens
The Palace of Theseus
Theseus, Hippolyta, and Philostrate enter.
Hippolyta (Mae Young)
'Tis strange, my Theseus, that Helena claims not to remember anything of the evening's events, yet Hermia has a gash on her head and one of her Championship Belts, which are always under lock and key, was found in the woods. It is not like Hermia to bring one of her belts into the woods.
Theseus (Triple H)
More strange than true. I believe those two young ladies are lunatics.
Demetrius and Lysander enter.
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
Well, Rock, we really took care of that Puck character.
Demetrius (The Rock)
The Rock agrees.
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
You want to go get a beer and celebrate?
Demetrius (The Rock)
Usually, The Rock would not go for such a celebration, but this time he will make an exception.
Hermia enters, followed by Helena.
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
Hermia, I swear to you I don't remember a thing. I'm sorry if I did anything, but I swear I--
Hermia (Tori)
Shut up! Theseus, have you seen my dad?
Theseus (Triple H)
Methought he was with you.
Hermia (Tori)
No, I can't find him anyway, and my train leaves in ten minutes. Do you think I could borrow a couple bucks and my dad will pay you back for me?
Theseus (Triple H)
Train? Hermia, what's going on? Are you leaving Athens?
Hermia (Tori)
Yes, I hate it here!
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
So where do you want to go?
Demetrius (The Rock)
Somewhere away from this palace area. There are just too many tourists.
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
Hermia, please don't leave. I'll leave Athens; you don't have to.
Theseus stands up and shouts.
Theseus (Triple H)
HEY, EVERYBODY!!!! LEND ME YOUR EARS!!!
Silence falls over the crowd.
What is going on here? This is A Midsummer Night's Dream, a comedy!!!! It's supposed to have a happy ending!!! How are we going to end this? Hermia bitterly leaving Athens on a train before trains were even invented? The boys going to a bar? Helena suffering from amnesia? Shakespeare did not intend for this to happen. 'Tis not comedy. 'Tis not happy.
Demetrius (The Rock)
The Rock is happy.
Theseus (Triple H)
But, Rocky, didn't you read the script? You're supposed to marry Helena.
Demetrius (The Rock)
The Rock did read the script, and The Great One did not approve of the script. When The Rock attempted to negotiate with the author, this William Shakespeare jabroni, he was nowhere to be found.
Theseus (Triple H)
Of course, because Shakespeare is, nevermind. Lysander, what about you? Did you read the script? You end up with Hermia, just like you wanted in the beginning.
Hermia (Tori)
Forget about it!
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
Oh, Hermia. You must not talk like that.
Hermia (Tori)
Leave me alone.
Hermia continues searching for Egeus, with Helena following close behind her.
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
I never wanted to end up with Tori. Please, that would be a great disappointment to Jerichoholics everywhere. Who says we have to follow the script? It's not like this Shakespeare guy will find us anyway.
Demetrius (The Rock)
This is true. The Rock exhausted all the means to get in touch with him.
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
So, what would be the big deal of making a few changes anyway? I mean, tell me honestly, Theseus, do you really like this play?
Theseus (Triple H)
Well, yes, it does have some good qualities. For instance, I rather enjoyed playing the Duke, kind of like myself in real life, The Game.
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
I understand, Triple H, but, surely you're not crazy about how the play ends for you. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with Mae Young?
Hippolyta (Mae Young)
Uh, Theseus, dear, were you calling for me?
Theseus (Triple H)
Um, no, dear.
Oh, no, Chris, I hadn't thought of that. We've got to escape.
Demetrius, Lysander, and Theseus start to exit.
Philo (Grand Master Sexay of Too Cool)
Hey, guys, wait.
Strate (Scotty Too Hotty of Too Cool)
Theseus, look, I know we haven't been the most loyal servants. But, please, let's try to put the past behind us.
Philo (Grand Master Sexay of Too Cool)
Please don't leave us here with Mae Young. Please!!!
Theseus (Triple H)
Philo, Strate, we have had our differences, but I know deep down that you're the kind of men we would love to have with us on our journey.
Strate (Scotty Too Hotty of Too Cool)
You really mean that?
Theseus (Triple H)
Absolutely! Now, we have to hurry and get out of here before those ladies try to stop us.
Too Cool theme song plays as Theseus, Demetrius, Lysander, Philo, and Strate exit, dancing.
Hermia (Tori)
I can't wait to get out of here. This place sucks.
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
Hey, where are they going?
Hermia (Tori)
Who?
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
The boys!
Hermia (Tori)
Oh, them. Who cares?
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
Hey, boys, where are you going? Wait up!
Theseus (Triple H)
Oh, no! Run, guys, run!
They run and escape successfully.
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
They're gone. Why would they run away like that?
Hermia (Tori)
Gee, I wonder.
Bottom enters.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
Hello, there, young servants, you may go tell the duke that the acting company has arrived.
Hermia (Tori)
Excuse me?
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
The Duke is not here. You might want to speak to Hippolyta.
Hippolyta (Mae Young)
Is that you, dear Theseus.
Hippolyta approaches Bottom.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
No, it's Bottom, the thespian.
Hippolyta (Mae Young)
Hello, there. And what a handsome young thespian you are. Now, dear, what are you going to perform for me today?
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
My one-man show called "The Most Lamentable Comedy and Most Cruel Death of Pyramus and Thisbe." The play has many parts, and I will be playing them all by myself.
Hippolyta (Mae Young)
You're going to play all the parts? That's mighty impressive.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
Funny you should mention it, I really am rather impressive. I am. I am. I thought of putting together an ensemble to perform the piece with me, but you're only as good as your weakest link. Actually, I did briefly have a few other people working on the piece with me, but then they were beat up by a bunch of Fairies. Fairies, can you believe that? But it made me realize something, since, nobody is nearly as talented as I am in the dramatic arts, I decided to conquer this dramatic challenge on my own.
Quince, Flute, Snout, Snug, and Starveling enter, carrying steel chairs.
Oh, look, there's the rest of the company now. What a surprise! Hi, guys! I was just getting the stage set and giving Hippolyta some background on Pyramus and Thisbe.
Quince (Rikishi)
Let's get him!
They attack Bottom.
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
Oh, look what they're doing to that poor boy!
Hermia (Tori)
The thespian? Oh, please, he deserves it.
Peaseblossom, Cobweb, Mote, and Mustardseed enter, carrying a table, chairs, cards, and chips.
Mustardseed wheels a wagon piled high with cases of beer.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
Hey, guys, over here! Aren't you going to help me?
Cobweb (Matt Hardy)
Did somebody hear something?
Mote (Faarooq of the Acolytes)
No, not me.
Peaseblossom, Cobweb, Mote and Mustardseed set up their table, chairs and beer for their card game.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
Guys, it's me, Bottom, over here, being attacked by these barbarians.
Mustardseed (Bradshaw of the Acolytes)
Oh, yeah, I used to know someone named Bottom. In fact, I was going to invite him to play cards with me tonight, but then I heard him call me a Fairy.
Mote (Faarooq of the Acolytes)
Hey, thespians, you want to play some cards?
Quince (Rikishi)
OK.
Peaseblossom (Jeff Hardy)
Hey, sorry about our little episode, you know, in Act IV.
Mustardseed (Bradshaw of the Acolytes)
Yeah, we kind of had our loyalties mixed up.
Flute (X-Pac)
Hey, it happens.
Bottom lies helpless on the ground.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
Somebody? Anybody? Help me, please.
Hippolyta (Mae Young)
Poor little baby, look what they did to you. Let's go to my house. I'll take care of you. I'll give you a nice warm bath and a massage and--
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
No, that won't be necessary. I'll stay here.
Hippolyta (Mae Young)
Oh, I insist. Up we go.
Hippolyta, exits, carrying Bottom.
Egeus enters.
Oberon and Titania, unseen, enter.
Titania rash has spread to her neck and arms. She scratches furiously.
Egeus (The Big Show)
There you are!
Hermia (Tori)
There you are; I've been looking everywhere for you.
Egeus (The Big Show)
Hermia, I'm sorry I said you were embarrassing.
Hermia (Tori)
No, I'm sorry.
Helena walks over to the card game.
Egeus (The Big Show)
Did you and Helena make up?
Hermia (Tori)
She's been trying to, but I think I haven't been very nice to her. I was so upset with her about the way she acted, but it seems like everyone has been acting strange lately. I should make up with her.
Egeus (The Big Show)
I'll leave you two alone. I'll see you back at the house.
Hermia (Tori)
Before you go, do you think I could have some money?
Egeus (The Big Show)
Money?
Hermia (Tori)
To play cards.
Egeus (The Big Show)
Cards? Well, that's out of character.
Hermia (Tori)
It looks so fun, though.
Egeus (The Big Show)
Sure it does. Here you go. Don't spend it all.
Hermia (Tori)
I won't. Thanks, Daddy.
Egeus exits.
Helena walks over to Hermia.
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
I see you got your train fare.
Hermia (Tori)
Yeah, I did. Listen, Helena, I'm really sorry that we ever let some stupid boys come between us.
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
Me too. Friends?
Hermia (Tori)
Friends.
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
So you're really going?
Hermia (Tori)
I am.
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
Well, you better go. You'll miss your train.
Hermia (Tori)
Oh no!
Hermia starts to exit.
Helena, what will you be doing here in Athens?
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
Well, I suppose I was thinking of joining that card game, but as for any long term plans, I have none.
Hermia (Tori)
I have enough money for two tickets. Do you want to come with me?
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
Are you kidding? Of course I do!!!
Hermia (Tori)
Then, let's go.
Helena and Hermia exit.
Titania (Chyna)
Oh, I'm so glad the little girls made up.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
Yes, isn't that a fabulous ending?
Titania (Chyna)
I was a little worried for a while. I mean, it is supposed to be a comedy. There really should be a happy ending. Now, if I could get rid of this rash, I'd be really happy. Darling, I wonder what ever became of that ass-head boy.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
Oh, darling, I told you. He was probably just a dream or perhaps a bit of undigested beef.
Titania (Chyna)
Ha ha ha! You are so funny. Talk about happy endings. Ours is the happiest.
Puck and the Fairy enter, carrying steel chairs.
They attack Oberon.
Titania (Chyna)
Oh, dear! More disgruntled Fairies! I'll save you, Oberon.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
Run, Titania! Run!
Titania (Chyna)
No, I'll save you my love.
Titania hits Puck and the Fairy with a case of beer from the card game.
Mote (Faarooq of the Acolytes)
Hey! Stop! That's our beer!
Puck and the Fairy fall to the ground.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
Oh, you saved me, my love.
Titania (Chyna)
No time to thank me! We've got to get out of here!
Oberon and Titania exit.
Puck (Cactus Jack)
Did somebody say beer?
Mustardseed (Bradshaw of the Acolytes)
Yeah, that lady just hit you with our beer.
Puck and the Fairy stand up.
Fairy (Crash Holly)
Come on, Puck. Let's go get them.
Puck (Cactus Jack)
Let them go, Crash. I've been working so hard lately. I feel like relaxing with an ice cold beer and a round of--
Quince (Rikishi)
Poker.
Puck (Cactus Jack)
Poker.
Mote (Faarooq of the Acolytes)
You have money?
Puck (Cactus Jack)
Yeah, we have money.
Mustardseed (Bradshaw of the Acolytes)
Because you need money to play.
Puck (Cactus Jack)
We have money.
Mote (Faarooq of the Acolytes)
Then pull up a chair.
Mustardseed (Bradshaw of the Acolytes)
Quince, pass some beer down this way, please.
Quince (Rikishi)
You got it.
Mustardseed (Bradshaw of the Acolytes)
One more thing, anyone who utters the word "Fairy" at my card table has to answer to me. Understood?
Puck (Cactus Jack)
Understood.
Mote (Faarooq of the Acolytes)
What about the little guy?
The Fairy stands and holds his chair threateningly above his head.
Woah, settle down, little guy.
Puck (Cactus Jack)
He understands. Don't you, Crash?
Fairy (Crash Holly)
Yes.
The Fairy sits back down.
You know, it's a funny thing. People always think I'm little, but, actually, I weigh well over 400 pounds.
Mote (Faarooq of the Acolytes)
I would never have guessed it.
Mustardseed (Bradshaw of the Acolytes)
Quince, pass another beer down this way, please.
Quince (Rikishi)
You got it.
The End
Table of Contents Cast of Characters Act I Scene 1 Act I Scene 2 Act II Scene 1 Act II Scene 2
Act III Scene 1 Act III Scene 2 Act IV Scene 1 Act IV Scene 2