Act IV
Scene 1
The Wood
Lysander, Demetrius, Hermia, and Helena are still passed out.
Titania, Queen of the Fairies, and Bottom enter.
Oberon, King of the Fairies, unseen, follows them.
Once again, he is disheveled from his encounter with Puck.
Titania (Chyna)
Come, sit thee down upon this flow'ry bed,
While I thy amiable cheeks do coy,
And stick muskroses in thy sleek smooth head,
And kiss thy fair large ears, my gentle joy.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
I thought you said you had Fairy servants. Where are they?
Titania (Chyna)
They are a bunch of disgruntled, beer-guzzling ingrates. If they keep up this behavior, they'll never work in this town again.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
Sounds like they really lack Intensity, Intelligence, and, worst of all, Integrity.
Titania (Chyna)
Well, let's not waste our precious time talking about them.
Wilt thou hear some music, my sweet love?
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
I have a reasonable good ear in music. Let's have the tongs and the bones.
Titania (Chyna)
Or say, sweet love, what thou desirest to eat.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
Truly, a peck of provender. I could munch your good dry oats. Methinks I have a great desire to a bottle of hay. Good hay, sweet hay, hath no fellow.
Titania (Chyna)
I wish I had a fairy that would seek
The squirrel's hoard and fetch thee new nuts.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
I had rather have a handful or two of dried peas. But, I pray you, do not stir me; I have an exposition of sleep come upon me, and an Olympic hero needs proper rest and exercise, if he is going to remain a Champion.
Titania (Chyna)
Sleep thou, and I will wind thee in my arms.--
O, how I love thee! How I dote on thee!
Titania and Bottom sleep.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
Her dotage now I do begin to pity.
For, meeting her of late behind the wood,
Seeking sweet favors for this hateful fool,
I did upbraid her and fall out with her.
For she his hairy temple then had rounded
With coronet of fresh and fragrant flowers;
And that same dew, which sometime on the buds
Was wont to swell like round and orient pears,
Stood now within the pretty flouriets' eyes,
Like tears that did their own disgrace bewail.
When I had at my pleasure taunted her,
And she in mild terms begged my patience,
I then did ask of her her changeling child,
Which straight she gave me.
And now I have the boy, I will undo
This hateful imperfection of her eyes.
I will take this transformed scalp
From off the head of this Athenian swain,
That he, awaking when the other do,
May all to Athens back again repair
And think no more of this night's accidents
But as fierce vexation of a dream.
But first I will release the Fairy Queen.
Now, if I can just find the magic potion. I know it's in this bag somewhere. I don't see it. Now what could I have done with it?
Oberon thinks for quite some time.
Oh! Idiot! You spilled it all over that young lady! How could I forget? Now what am I going to do? I know! I'll make my own magic potion out of all these lovely flowers in the wood! Oh, look at these lovely leaves.
Oberon crushes leaves of poison ivy and puts them into an empty bottle.
Oh, and these gorgeous flowers!
Oberon adds a colorful mixture of weeds to the bottle.
Now, it just needs a little water, and my potion will be complete!
Oberon adds water from a stream.
All done! Now it is time to anoint my queen!
Oberon runs towards Titania. He trips on a tree stump and crashes into Bottom.
The bottle shatters on Titania's head and the potion spills all over her.
Titania (Chyna)
Aw, my head.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
My love!
Titania (Chyna)
My Oberon, what visions have I seen!
Methought I was enamored of an ass.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
An ass! Is that the way to address an Olympic hero?
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
I believe my queen was referring to the ass-head you're wearing.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
Ass-head? Your the ass-head! Olympic Champions do not deserve this kind of treatment! I am not going to listen to this.
Bottom exits.
Titania (Chyna)
Oberon, look at those four people sound asleep. How did they not wake during the commotion?
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
Well, I don't know. That does seem strange.
Come, my queen, take hands with me.
And rock the ground whereon these sleepers be.
Oberon and Titania dance.
I do believe I hear the morning lark.
My queen, in silence sad
Trip we after night's shade.
We the globe can compass soon,
Swifter than the wand'ring moon.
Titania (Chyna)
Come, my lord, and in our flight
Tell me how it came this night
That I sleeping here was found
With these mortals on the ground.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
My queen, let us wait just a minute. I want to see the four lovers make up.
Theseus, Hippolyta, and Egeus enter.
Theseus (Triple H)
We will, fair queen, up to the mountain's top
And mark the musical confusion
Of hounds and echo in conjunction.
Hippolyta (Mae Young)
I was with Hercules and Cadmus once,
When in a wood of Crete they bayed the
Egeus (The Big Show)
Uh, Theseus, my d-
Theseus (Triple H)
How rude! My lady was talking.
Hippolyta (Mae Young)
Oh, that's alright, dear. Egeus, did you have something to say?
Egeus (The Big Show)
I was just going to say that my d-
Theseus (Triple H)
No, my lady, finish what you were saying.
Hippolyta (Mae Young)
Well, I was just saying that I was with Hercules and Cadmus once,
When in a wood of Crete they bayed the
Theseus (Triple H)
But soft! What nymphs are these?
Egeus (The Big Show)
My lord, that's what I've been trying to tell you. This is my daughter here asleep.
And this Lysander; this Demetrius is,
This Helena, old Nedar's Helena.
I wonder of their being here together.
Theseus (Triple H)
No doubt they rose up early to observe
The rite of May, and hearing our intent,
Came here in grace of our solemnity.
But speak, Egeus. Is not this the day
That Hermia should give answer of her choice?
Egeus (The Big Show)
It is, my lord.
Theseus (Triple H)
Well, we must wake them. HEY, WAKE UP!
Theseus stands over the four and shouts again.
RISE AND SHINE!!!!!!
Lysander, Demetrius, Hermia, and Helena awake.
Good morrow, friends. Saint Valentine is past.
Begin these woodbirds but to couple now?
I pray you all, stand up.
Demetrius (The Rock)
The Rock does not recognize this part of the woods. The Rock is confused as to how he got here. The last thing The Rock remembers is swallowing some Herbal Energy pills given to him backstage by one who calls himself Puck. The Rock believes these vitamins were perhaps laced with some sort of drug. A drug that would make The Rock do things he, in all his greatness, normally would not do.
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
Well, Rock, I know we've had our differences in the past, but Y2J has to agree with you on this one. I, too, believed I was poisoned by Puck. The last thing I remember is sharing a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich, prepared by him, in my dressing room. This is a great defeat for Jerichoholics everywhere. I suggest, Rock, that you and I find this Puck and give him a Y2J beating that he will never eeeeeeeeeeeeeeever forget!!
Demetrius and Lysander exit.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
Oh, so it was not the nectar that caused the love sickness. It was Puck's herbal supplements.
Hermia
(Tori)
Daddy, can we go home now?
My head is killing me.
Egeus (The Big Show)
Aw, it's like you've got a little bruise. Poor thing, you must have walked into something.
Hermia (Tori)
I did not walk into anything. That wench hit me with one of my Championship Belts.
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
Me? No I didn't. I swear!
Egeus (The Big Show)
Hermia, apologize to Helena.
Hermia (Tori)
I will not.
Egeus (The Big Show)
Let's go, young lady, before you cause me any more embarrassment.
Titania (Chyna)
Well, darling, I suppose we should go, too.
Egeus and Hermia exit.
A rash breaks out all over Titania's face.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
Sweetheart! What has happened to your face?
Titania (Chyna)
I don't know, but it is suddenly very itchy.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
It has also turned bright red. We need to get you away from these mortals.
Oberon and Titania exit.
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
Why would Hermia accuse me of such a thing?
Theseus (Triple H)
I don't know, but methinks I see one of Hermia's Championship Belts lying over there near that bush.
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
But why would Hermia bring one of her precious belts into the woods with her?
Theseus (Triple H)
I don't know. Why would she?
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
Well, I don't know.
Theseus (Triple H)
Come, Hippolyta. Away with us to Athens.
Theseus and Hippolyta exit.
Bottom enters.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
Titania? Oh, have you seen Titania?
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
Ti-who?
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
Titania. Brown hair, muscular, about the same height as me. Nevermind. She probably wasn't real anyway. Maybe she was just a dream. Methought I was--there is no man can tell what. Methought I was and methought I had--but man is but a patched fool if he will offer to say what methought I had.
Helena exits.
Well, excuse me, I didn't realize Olympic heroes were so boring. Anyway, the eye of man hath not heard, the ear of man hath not see, man's hand is not able to taste, his tongue to conceive, not his heart to report what was dream or reality. I will write a ballad of this experience. It shall be called "Love: Only in My Dreams?" and I will sing it in the latter end of the play, before the Duke.
Bottom exits.
Table of Contents Cast of Characters Act I Scene 1 Act I Scene 2 Act II Scene 1 Act II Scene 2
Act III Scene 1 Act III Scene 2 Act IV Scene 2 Act V Scene 1