Act III
Scene 1
The Wood
Titania sleeps.
Bottom, Snout, Starveling, and Snug enter.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
Are we all met?
Snout (Road Dogg)
No, we're missing Quince and Flute.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
Well, that's OK, we already decided I would be playing their parts.
Starveling (Kane)
How are you going to play Pyramus, Thisbe, and Thisbe's father at the same time?
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
Well, you see--
Starveling (Kane)
Nevermind. I really don't care anyway.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
No, Starveling, it's a fine question for you to ask. During my stay at the Olympics, where I became an American hero, I was forced to juggle many different things at a time: family, friends, winning Gold Medals, press conferences, exercise and of course keeping to my strict balanced diet. So, you see, Starveling, playing three parts at once in this play is not nearly as challenging for an Olympic hero as it might be for a moron like yourself. It's true. It's true.
Starveling delivers a Tombstone Piledriver to Bottom, then exits.
Snout (Road Dogg)
Bottom, are you alright?
Snug (The Godfather)
Bottom, I have to say, you deserved that. I'm not saying I would have reacted as Kane did, but you have to be sensitive to the amount of stress he's under, with all the business with Tori and everything.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
Snug, that Tori nonsense has nothing to do with this play. Starveling needs to learn not to bring his personal stresses to the workplace. Well, back to the business at hand. Here's a marvels convenient place for our rehearsal. This green plot shall be our stage, this hawthorn brake our tiring-house, and we will do it in action as we will do it before the Duke. There are things in this comedy of Pyramus and Thisbe that will never please. First, Pyramus must draw a sword to kill himself, which the ladies cannot abide. I have a device to make all well. I'll write myself a prologue, and let the prologue seem to say we will do no harm with our swords, and that Pyramus is not killed indeed. And, for the more better assurance, tell them that I, Pyramus, am not Pyramus, but Bottom the Olympic hero. This will put them out of fear. Now, the next issue to address is the lion. Masters, you ought to consider with yourself, to bring in (God shield us!) a lion among ladies is a most dreadful thing. For there is not a more fearful wildfowl than your lion living, and we ought to look to 't.
Snout (Road Dogg)
Therefore another prologue must tell he is not a lion. Snug could recite this one, since he is playing the lion. It will ease the ladies more to hear the lion himself proclaim that he is not a lion.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
No, Snout, I think it would be better if I recite the monologue. I'll say something like: "Ladies," or "Fair ladies, I would wish you," or "I would request you," or "I would entreat you not to fear, not to tremble! My life for yours. If you think he comes hither as a lion, it were pity of my life. No, he is no such thing. He is a man as other men are." And there indeed I will name his name and tell them plainly he is Snug the joiner. Unless, of course, Snug would prefer that I do the lion's roar.
Snug (The Godfather)
No, I think I can handle it.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
Then there is another thing: we must have a wall in the great chamber, for Pyramus and Thisbe, says the story, did talk through the chink of a wall. Some man or other must present Wall. And let him have some plaster, or some loam, or some roughcast about him to signify wall, or let him hold his fingers thus, and through that cranny shall Pyramus and Thisbe whisper. If that may be, then all is well. Come, sit down, every mother's son, and rehearse your parts.
Quince and Flute enter.
Quince (Rikishi)
Hey, Bottom, what do you think you're doing?
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
Why look, cast, it's Flute and Quince. How nice of you to join our rehearsal.
Flute (X-Pac)
Well, somebody neglected to tell us where we were having rehearsal.
Quince (Rikishi)
Yeah, you tell him.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
Seems like you boys resolved your differences, how nice.
Flute (X-Pac)
We found something we have in common.
Quince (Rikishi)
We both think you stink.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
How charming! Well, boys, the way the two of you ran out of our first cast meeting, I just assumed you were not interested in participating, and I took it upon myself to commit your parts to my vast memory, so as not to embarrass our troupe in front of the Duke. Well, now that you're here, I suppose we'll get on with rehearsal, but be advised boys that a professional company would not tolerate your kind of behavior.
Starveling enters with a steel chair and hits Bottom. A fight ensues and the two exit.
Puck enters.
Puck (Cactus Jack)
What hempen homespuns have we swagg'ring here
So near the cradle of the Fairy Queen?
What, a play toward? I'll be an auditor--
An actor too perhaps, if I see cause.
Quince (Rikishi)
This play is falling apart! I suggest we recast Bottom's role of Pyramus.
Flute (X-Pac)
I second that.
Quince (Rikishi)
Snug, you're playing the lion, right? You take over Pyramus, and someone else will double up as the lion.
Snug (The Godfather)
Does Pyramus have a lot of lines?
Quince (Rikishi)
Pyramus is a lead role.
Snug (The Godfather)
Well, I may need to have my script with me.
Quince (Rikishi)
At the performance for the Duke?
Snug (The Godfather)
Yes, that would be the one.
Quince (Rikishi)
Whatever! I don't even care anymore.
Bottom enters wearing an ass-head.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
Well, I took care of that problem.
Snout (Road Dogg)
What are you wearing?
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
Well, you see, Thisbe says of me, the Olympic hero Pyramus: "As true as truest horse, that yet would never tire." Then Pyramus responds: "If I were fair, fair Thisbe, I were only thine."
Quince (Rikishi)
Look, everyone, I think we should break for the day. We'll meet here tomorrow and figure out where we're going with this.
Flute (X-Pac)
Great idea. Let's go.
Quince, Flute, Snout, and Snug exit.
Puck (Cactus Jack)
I'll follow you. I'll lead you about a round,
Through bog, through bush, through brake, through brier.
Sometime a horse I'll be, sometime a hound,
A hog, a headless bear, sometime a fire,
And neigh, and bark, and grunt, and roar, and burn,
Like horse, hound, hog, bear, fire at every turn.
Puck exits.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
I see their knavery. This is to make an ass of me, to fright me, if they could. They can't take this part away from me. It's mine. They can't stop me from performing for the Duke. They can't. They can't. I'll show them. Maybe I'll even add some music to my part.
The ouzel cock, so black of hue,
With orange-tawny bill,
The throstle with his note so true,
The wren with little quill--
Titania (Chyna)
What angel wakes me from my flow'ry bed?
I pray thee, gentle mortal, sing again.
Mine ear is much enamored of thy note,
So is mine eye enthralled to thy shape,
And thy fair virtue's force perforce doth move me
On the first view to say, to swear, I love thee.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
Methinks, mistress, you should have plenty reason for that. After all, I am a handsome man and a talented athlete, an Olympic Champion, in fact, who possesses overflowing amounts of Intensity, Intelligence, and Integrity.
Titania (Chyna)
Thou art wise as thou art beautiful.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
It's true! It's true!
Titania (Chyna)
Thou shalt remain here whether thou wilt or no.
I am a spirit of no common rate.
The summer still doth tend upon my state,
And I do love thee. Therefore go with me.
I'll give thee fairies to attend on thee,
And they shall fetch thee jewels from the deep
And sing while thou on pressed flowers dost sleep.
And I will purge thy mortal grossness so
That thou shalt like an airy spirit go.--
Peaseblossom, Cobweb, Mote, and Mustardseed!
Hello!! Fairies! Where are you? They are so undependable. We'll have to go ourselves. I'll lead you to my bower.
The moon, methinks, looks with a wat'ry eye,
And when she weeps, weeps every little flower,
Lamenting some enforced chastity.
Let's go silently.
Titania and Bottom exit.
Table of Contents Cast of Characters Act I Scene 1 Act I Scene 2 Act II Scene 1 Act II Scene 2 Act III Scene 2