Act II
Scene 1
A wood near Athens
A Fairy enters at one door and Puck at another.
Puck (Cactus Jack)
How now, spirit? Whither wander you?
Fairy (Crash Holly)
This is crazy! How am I supposed to play a fairy? I weigh over 400 pounds! And look at my lines. They're ridiculous! Fairy favors, dewdrops, cowslips--who wrote this crap!
Puck (Cactus Jack)
William Shakespeare, a man of great genius.
Fairy (Crash Holly)
Well, excuse me. I guess you think you know everything about literature just because you were on the Best-Seller List for a few weeks. Big deal! Anyone can do that. I could write "The Crash Holly Story" on a bunch of yellow legal pads too. My story wouldn't just be a book, though, there would be a blockbuster movie of it starring somebody really cool, like Matt Damon.
Puck (Cactus Jack)
Matt Damon?
Fairy (Crash Holly)
Yeah.
Puck (Cactus Jack)
OK, Crash.
The King doth keep his revels here tonight.
Take heed the queen come not within his sight,
For Oberon is passing
Fairy (Crash Holly)
Who is playing Oberon?
Puck (Cactus Jack)
I believe that would be Mr. Ass.
Fairy (Crash Holly)
Mr. Ass? What does he know about Shakespeare? I should be playing Oberon. Oberon is the King. I could play the King.
Puck (Cactus Jack)
Oberon is the King of the Fairies, not the King of Athens.
Fairy (Crash Holly)
Oh, what is the deal with all these Fairies?
Puck (Cactus Jack)
As I was saying,
For Oberon is passing fell and wrath
Because that she, as her attendant, hath
A lovely boy stolen from an Indian king;
She never had so sweet a changeling.
And jealous Oberon would have the child
Knight of his train, to trace the forests wild.
But she perforce withholds the loved boy,
Crowns him with flowers, and makes him all her joy.
And now they never meet in grove or green,
By fountain clear, or spangled starlight sheen,
But they do square, that all their elves for fear
Creep into acorn cups and hide them there.
Uh, Fairy, it's your line.
Fairy (Crash Holly)
I am not a Fairy!!
The Fairy hits Puck with the Hardcore Championship Belt and exits.
Puck (Cactus Jack)
I'm OK. Where did I...
Theseus enters.
Theseus (Triple H)
Ha! You and Crash are the most pathetic fairies I've ever seen. Is this supposed to be funny?
Puck (Cactus Jack)
Why, yes, it is. Now, where was I?
Theseus (Triple H)
Listen to this guy, "where was I?" I can't believe they even gave you any lines.
Puck (Cactus Jack)
Anyway,
I am that merry wanderer of the night.
I jest to Oberon and make him smile
When I a fat and bean-fed horse beguile,
Neighing in likeness of
Theseus (Triple H)
Booo....You suck!
Puck gets a Fairy wand wrapped in barbed wire from behind some bushes
and chases Theseus.
Oberon, the King of Fairies enters at one door, with his train,
and Titania, the Queen enters at another, with her train.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
Ill met by moonlight, proud Titania.
Titania (Chyna)
What, jealous Oberon? Faires, skip hence.
Peaseblossom (Jeff Hardy)
Fairies! I hate this play. Crash was right. The Fairy thing is completely out of control. Why couldn't we do something like Hamlet? There are no Fairies in Hamlet!
Cobweb (Matt Hardy)
No, but there are witches. Oh, wait, maybe I'm thinking of MacDuff.
Peaseblossom (Jeff Hardy)
Mac who? Look, either way, I have no problem with witches; I just don't want to be a Fairy.
Mote (Faarooq of the Acolytes)
Yeah, I'd rather be a witch than a Fairy.
Mustardseed (Bradshaw of the Acolytes)
Hey, Mote, you want to go get some beer and play cards?
Mote (Faarooq of the Acolytes)
Yeah, Hardys, you want to come with us?
Cobweb (Matt Hardy)
Yeah, let's get out of here.
The Fairies exit.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
Hey, we lost our Fairies! It's all your fault!
Titania (Chyna)
How is it my fault?
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
You told them to "skip hence."
Titania (Chyna)
You're obviously trying to avoid talking about it.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
About what?
Titania (Chyna)
You know what! I already know you like Hippolyta. You're not keeping anything from me.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
Hippolyta? Mae Young? You don't know what you're talking about. You're just trying to divert my attention from you and Theseus.
Titania (Chyna)
What?
These are the forgeries of jealousy;
And never, since the middle summer's spring,
Met we on hill, in dale, forest, or mead,
Be paved fountain or by rushy brook,
Or in the beached margent of the sea,
To dance our ringlets to the whistling wind,
But with they brawls thou hast disturbed our sport.
Therefore the winds, piping to us in vain,
As in revenge have sucked up from the sea
Contagious fogs, which, falling in the land,
Hath every pelting river made so proud
That they have overborne their continents.
The ox hath therefore stretched his yoke in vain,
The plowman lost his seat, and the green corn
Hath rotted ere his youth attained a beard.
The fold stands empty in the drowned field,
And crows are fatted with the murrain flock.
The nine-men's-morris is filled up with mud,
And the quaint mazes in the wanton green,
For lack of tread, are undistinguishable.
The human mortals want their winter here.
No night is now with hymn or carol blessed.
Therefore the moon, the governess of floods,
Paled in her anger, washes all the air,
That rheumatic diseases do abound.
And thorough this distemperature we see
The seasons alter: hoary-headed frosts
Fall in the fresh lap of the crimson rose,
And on old Hiems' thin and icy crown
An odorous chaplet of sweet summer buds
Is, as in mockery, set. The spring, the summer,
The childing autumn, angry winter, change
Their wonted liveries, and the mazed world
By their increase now knows not which is which.
And this same progeny of evils comes
From our debate, from our dissension;
We are their parents and original.
Oberon, wake up!
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
Oh, I'm sorry, you were saying something?
Titania (Chyna)
Forget about it!
Titania exits.
Puck enters.
Puck (Cactus Jack)
Hey, Oberon, what's going on?
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
Puck, one of your sleeves is missing.
Puck (Cactus Jack)
Yeah, I had a little disagreement with Theseus. Where's Titania?
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
She's mad at me because I dozed off while she was talking to me. She just kept going on and on and on about contagious fogs and rheumatic diseases. We keep arguing about this little Indian boy. I'm just getting so tired of talking about it.
My gentle Puck, come hither. Thou rememb'rest
Since once I sat upon a promontory
And heard a mermaid on a dolphin's back
Uttering such a dulcet and harmonious breath
That the rude sea grew civil at her song
And certain stars shot madly from their spheres
To hear the sea-maid's music
Puck (Cactus Jack)
I remember.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
That very time I saw (but thou couldst not),
Flying between the cold moon and the earth,
Cupid all armed. A certain aim he took
At a fair vestal throned by the west,
And loosed he love-shaft smartly from his bow
As it should pierce a hundred thousand hearts.
But I might see young Cupid's fiery shaft
Quenched in the chaste beams of the wat'ry moon,
And the imperial vot'ress passed on
In maiden meditation, fancy-free.
Yet marked I where the bolt of Cupid fell.
It fell upon a little western flower,
Before, mild-white, now purple with love's wound,
And maidens call it "love-in-idleness.'
Fetch me that flower; the herb I showed thee once.
The juice of it on sleeping eyelids laid
Will make or man or woman madly dote
Upon the next live creature that it sees.
Fetch me this herb, and be thou here again
Ere the leviathan can swim a league.
Puck (Cactus Jack)
I'll put a girdle round about the earth
In forty minutes.
See you later, Oberon.
Puck exits.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
Having once this juice,
I'll watch Titania when she is asleep
And drop the liquor of it in her eyes.
The next thing then she, waking, looks upon
(Be it on lion, bear, or wolf, or bull,
on meddling monkey, or on busy ape)
She shall pursue it with the soul of love.
And ere I take this charm from off her sight
(As I can take it with another herb),
I'll make her render up her page to me.
But who comes here? I am invisible, all of me, even my really great ass.
I will overhear their conference.
Demetrius enters, followed by Helena.
Demetrius (The Rock)
The Rock loves you not; therefore do not pursue him.
Where is Lysander and fair Hermia?
The one I'll stay; the other stayeth me.
Thou told'st me they were stol'n unto this wood,
Oh, it's just as well they are not here. The Rock does not understand what a stud like Demetrius sees in this brat Hermia.
Hence, get thee gone, and follow me no more.
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
You draw me, you hard-hearted adamant!
But yet you draw not iron, for my heart
Is true as steel. Leave you your power to draw,
And I shall have no power to follow you.
Demetrius (The Rock)
Do I entice you? Do I speak you fair?
Or rather do I not in plainest truth
Tell you I do not, nor I cannot love you?
The Rock is a free agent.
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
And even for that do I love you the more.
Demetrius (The Rock)
Tempt not too much the hatred of The Rock's spirit,
For he is sick when he does look on thee.
I'll run from thee and hide me in the brakes
And leave thee to the mercy of wild beasts.
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
The wildest hath not such a heart as you.
Demetrius (The Rock)
I will not stay thy questions. Let me go,
Or if thou follow me, do not believe
But I shall do thee mischief in the wood.
Demetrius exits.
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
I'll follow thee and make thy life a living hell.
Helena exits.
Puck enters.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
Hast thou the flower there? Welcome, wanderer.
Puck (Cactus Jack)
Ay, there it is.
Oberon (Mr. Ass)
I pray thee give it me.
I know a bank where the wild thyme blows,
Where oxlips and the nodding violet grows,
Quite overcanopied with luscious woodbine,
With sweet muskroses, and with eglantine.
There sleeps Titania sometime of the night,
Lulled in these flowers with dances and delight.
And there the snake throws her enameled skin,
Weed wide enough to wrap a fairy in.
And with the juice of this I'll streak her eyes
And make her full of hateful fantasies.
Take thou some of it, and seek through this grove.
A sweet Athenian lady is in love
With a disdainful youth. Anoint his eyes,
But do it when the next thing he espies
May be the lady. Thou shalt know the man
By the Athenian garments he hath on.
Effect it with some care, that he may prove
More fond on her than she upon her love.
And look thou meet me ere the first cock crow.
Puck (Cactus Jack)
Fear not, my lord. Your servant shall do so.
Oberon and Puck exit.
Table of Contents Cast of Characters Act I Scene 1 Act I Scene 2 Act II Scene 2 Act III Scene 1 Act III Scene 2
Act IV Scene 1 Act IV Scene 2 Act V Scene 1