Act I
Scene 2
Athens
Quince's House
Quince the carpenter, Snug the joiner, Bottom the weaver,
Flute the bellows-mender, Snout the tinker, and Starveling the tailor enter.
Quince (Rikishi)
Is all our company here?
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
You were best to call them generally, man by man, according to the scrip.
Quince (Rikishi)
Here is the scroll of every man's name which is thought fit, through all Athens, to play in our interlude before the Duke and the Duchess on his wedding day at night.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
First, good Peter Quince, say what the play treats on, then read the names of the actors, and so grow to a point.
Quince (Rikishi)
Marry, our play is "The most lamentable comedy and most cruel death of Pyramus and Thisbe."
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
A very good piece of work, I assure you, and a merry. Now, good Peter Quince, call forth your actors by the scroll. Masters, spread yourselves.
Quince (Rikishi)
Answer as I call you. Nick Bottom, the weaver.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
Ready. Name what part your Olympic hero will be playing, and proceed.
Quince (Rikishi)
Would you rather just call the names out yourself, Bottom?
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
No, I was simply assisting you with a procedure that I thought would be the most beneficial way to organize our company. With my Intensity, Intelligence, and Integrity, it is obvious to me that I should be playing the role of Peter Quince. You, Rikishi, on the other hand, with your tremendously huge rear end, would be perfect as Bottom. But as long as I am Bottom, I, of course, will bring my three I's to the role. Now, name what part I am for, and proceed.
Quince (Rikishi)
You, Nick bottom, are set down for Pyramus.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
What is Pyramus--a lover or a tyrant?
Quince (Rikishi)
A lover that kills himself most gallant for love.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
That will ask some tears in the true performing of it. If I do it, let the audience look to their eyes. I will move storms; I will condole in some measure. To the rest.--Yet my chief humor is for a tyrant.
Flute (X-Pac)
Alright, that's enough. Let's get on with it. Quince, who will I be playing?
Quince (Rikishi)
Flute, you must take Thisbe on you.
Flute (X-Pac)
What is Thisbe--a wand'ring knight?
Quince (Rikishi)
It is the lady that Pyramus must love.
Flute (X-Pac)
The What? Are you kidding me? I have a beard! I'm six feet tall! How could I play a woman? Why should I? This is so insulting!
Quince (Rikishi)
You shall play it in a mask, and you may speak as small as you will.
Flute (X-Pac)
This is ridiculous!
Quince exits, pursued by Flute.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
I may hide my face, let me play Thisbe too. I'll speak in a monstrous little voice: 'Thisne, Thisne!"--"Ah Pyramus, my lover dear! Thy Thisbe dear and lady dear!"
Snug (The Godfather)
I'm sure I could get a member of the Ho Train to play Thisbe if we're short on cast members.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
That won't be necessary. It is settled. I'll play both parts. Now, let's proceed. Robin Starveling, the tailor.
Starveling (Kane)
Here. I can't believe I don't have a lead in this play. I'm as good as Triple H or The Rock. Why do they get the big parts?
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
Robin Starveling, you must play Thisbe's mother.--Tom Snout, the tinker.
Snout (Road Dogg)
Here.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
You, Pyramus' father. Now, since Quince is not here to accept his role of Thisbe's father, I'll have to play it for him. That's OK, an Olympic hero, such as myself can handle playing three roles at once. I can. I can. Now, that takes care of everyone. Oh, the lion's part, a part so small, insignificant, and really not at all challenging. Snug the joiner, you the lion's part.--And I hope here is a play fitted.
Snug (The Godfather)
Have you the lion's part written? Pray you, if it be, give it me, for I am slow of study. I really don't have a lot of time to devote to this, because, you know, pimpin' ain't easy.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
Hmm...The lion's part is just perfect for you. You may do it extempore, for it is nothing but roaring. Of course, if you really don't have time to rehearse our play, I suppose I could play the lion too. I will roar that I will do any man's heart good to hear me. I will roar that I will make the duke say "Let him roar again. Let him roar again!"
Snug (The Godfather)
Well, I won't do it too terribly, I would not want to frighten the Duchess and the ladies that they would shriek and run away.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
I grant you, friends, if you should fright the ladies out of their wits, they would have no more discretion but to hang us. But I will aggravate my voice so that I will roar you as gently as any sucking dove. I will roar you an 'twere any nightingale. Well, right now, I should get to work preparing my lead role of Pyramus before I start working on my secondary roles. What beard were I best to play it in? I will discharge it in either your straw-color beard, your orange-tawny beard, your purple-in-grain bear, or your French-crown-color beard, your perfit yellow. But, masters, here are your parts, and I am to entreat you, request you, and desire you, to con them by tomorrow night and meet me in the palace wood, a mile without the town, by moonlight. There will we rehearse, for if we meet in the city, we shall be dogged with company and our devices known. In the meantime I will draw a bill of properties such as our play wants. i pray you fail me not. We will meet, and there we may rehearse most obscenely and courageously.
Snug (The Godfather)
Obscenely? Ooh, yeah.
Bottom, Snug, Snout, and Starveling exit.
Table of Contents Cast of Characters Act I Scene 1 Act II Scene 1 Act II Scene 2 Act III Scene 1 Act III Scene 2
Act IV Scene 1 Act IV Scene 2 Act V Scene 1