Act I
Scene 1
Athens
The Palace of Theseus
Theseus, Hippolyta, and PhiloStrate enter.
Theseus (Triple H)
Now, fair Hippolyta, our nuptial hour
Draws on apace. Four happy days bring in
Another moon. But, O, methinks how slow
This old moon wanes! She lingers my desires
Like to a stepdame or a dowager
Long withering out a young man's revenue.
Hippolyta (Mae Young)
Four days will quickly steep themselves in night;
Four nights will quickly dream away the time;
And then the moon, like to a silver bow
New-bent in heaven, shall behold the night
Of our solemnities.
Theseus (Triple H)
Go, Philostrate,
Stir up the Athenian youth to merriments.
Awake the pert and nimble spirit of mirth.
Turn melancholy forth to funerals;
The pale companion is not for our pomp.
PhiloStrate exit.
Philo (Grand Master Sexay of Too Cool)
"Philostrate exits"? We just leave? Without saying anything? Do we ever have any lines?
Strate (Scotty Too Hotty of Too Cool)
Yeah, Triple H, why do you get all the lines?
Theseus (Triple H)
Because I am Theseus, the Game.
Philo (Grand Master Sexay of Too Cool)
Well, I could play Theseus better than you anyway.
Hippolyta, I wooed thee with my sword
And won thy love doing thee injuries,
But I will wed thee in another key,
Wed thee? Wed Mae Young? Forget about it! She's all yours Triple H.
Too Cool theme song plays as PhiloStrate exit, dancing.
Hippolyta (Mae Young)
Umm, dear, can we continue now?
Theseus (Triple H)
Of course, Mae..
Hippolyta, I wooed thee with my sword
And won thy love doing thee injuries,
But I will wed thee in another key,
With pomp, with triumph, and with reveling.
Egeus with his daughter, Hermia, and Lysander and Demetrius enter.
Egeus (The Big Show)
Happy be Theseus, our renowned duke!
Theseus (Triple H)
Thanks, good Egeus, What's the news with thee?
Egeus (The Big Show)
Full of vexation come I, with complaint
Against my child, my daughter Hermia.--
Stand forth, Demetrius.--My noble lord,
This man hath my consent to marry her.--
Demetrius (The Rock)
The Rock says: he does not need your invitation to "stand forth," he does not need your consent to marry Hermia.
Egeus (The Big Show)
Rocky, you're interrupting my monologue. Why do you always have to spoil my moments of glory?
Demetrius (The Rock)
The Rock says: the people do not want to hear the Big Show do a monologue. The Rock proposes instead that we take the Big Show's speeches and shove them up his candy ass!
Too Cool theme song plays as PhiloStrate enter, dancing.
Strate (Scotty Too Hotty of Too Cool)
We agree with The Rock. The Big Show's got to go.
Philo (Grand Master Sexay of Too Cool) as Egeus
Stand forth, Lysander.
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
Welcome to SHAKESPEARE IS JERICHO!!!!
Egeus (The Big Show)
Aww, what is he doing here?
Philo (Grand Master Sexay of Too Cool) as Egeus
He's playing Lysander
--And, my gracious duke,
This man hath bewitched the bosom of my child.--
Thou, thou, Lysander, thou hast given her rhymes
And interchanged love tokens with my child.
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
"Love tokens"? With Tori? Eeewwww.
Philo (Grand Master Sexay of Too Cool) as Egeus
Thou hast by moonlight at her window sung
With feigning voice verses of feigning love
And stol'n the impression of her fantasy
With bracelets of thy hair, rings, gauds, conceits,
Knacks, trifles, nosegays, sweetmeats--messengers
Of strong prevailment in unhardened youth.
With cunning hast thou filched my daughter's heart,
Turned her obedience (which is due to me)
To stubborn harshness.
Egeus (The Big Show)
Hey, this is not fair. I'm supposed to be Egeus! Me! He's stealing my part!
Demetrius (The Rock)
The Rock says: Big Show, you need to go down to the Smackdown Hotel, pour yourself a big tall glass of "shut up" juice, and shove it up your candy ass!
The Rock lays the smack down on The Big Show.
Philo (Grand Master Sexay of Too Cool) as Egeus
And my gracious duke,
Be it so she will not here before your Grace
Consent to marry with Demetrius,
I beg the ancient privilege of Athens:
As she is mine, I may dispose of her,
Which shall be either to this gentleman
Or to her death, according to our law
Immediately provided in that case.
Theseus (Triple H)
What say
Egeus (The Big Show)
Hey, he did my whole monologue! Triple H, are you going to let him get away with that?
Theseus (Triple H)
Big Show, we'll have to deal with this later. Trust us.
What say you, Hermia?
Hermia (Tori)
Huh?
Theseus (Triple H)
Be advised, fair maid.
Hermia (Tori)
What?
Theseus (Triple H)
Nevermind.
To you, your father should be as a god,
One that composed your beauties, yea, and one
To whom you are but as a form in wax
By him imprinted, and within his power
To leave the figure or disfigure it.
Demetrius is a worthy gentleman.
(Whispering) So is Lysander.
Hermia (Tori)
What?
Theseus (Triple H)
Say that! Say "So is Lysander."
Hermia (Tori)
Oh, OK, Uhh...
So is Lysander.
Theseus (Triple H)
Good.
In himself he is,
But in this kind, wanting your father's voice,
The other must be held the worthier.
"I would my father"
Hermia (Tori)
Huh? Oops, oh, I see where we are now!
I would my father looked but with my eyes.
Theseus (Triple H)
Rather your eyes must with his judgment look.
Hermia (Tori)
Oh, OK.
I do entreat your Grace to pardon me.
"Your Grace!" Oh, Shakespeare is fun!
I know not by what power I am made bold,
Nor how it may concern my modesty
In such a presence here to plead my thoughts;
But I beseech your Grace that I may know
The worst that may befall me in this case
If I refuse to wed Demetrius.
Demetrius (The Rock)
Fair maid, Hernia, Hemorrhoid, Headache! It doesn't matter what your name is! The Rock says this: he never asked you to marry him. The Rock has never entertained the notion of marrying a lady like you. Therefore, you are not at liberty to refuse The Great One.
Theseus (Triple H)
Rocky, give it a rest.
Either to die the death, or to ab-
Demetrius (The Rock)
"Die the death"? Is Triple H threatening The People's Champion?
Theseus (Triple H)
No, argh!!! I'm trying to talk to Hermia!
Either to die the death, or to abjure
Forever the society of men.
Therefore, fair Hermia, question your desires,
Know of your youth, examine well your blood,
Whether (if you yield not to your father's choice)
You can endure the livery of a nun,
Hermia (Tori)
Oh my God, I could never be a nun.
Theseus (Triple H)
Yeah, we know.
For aye to be in shady cloister mewed,
To live a barren sister all your life,
Chanting faith hymns to the cold fruitless moon.
Thrice-blessed they that master so their blood
To undergo such maiden pilgrimage,
But earthlier happy is the rose distilled
Than that which, withering on the virgin thorn,
Grows, lives, and dies in single blessedness.
Hermia (Tori)
So will I grow, so live, so die, my lord,
Ere I will yield my virgin patent up
Strate (Scooty Too Hotty of Too Cool)
Ah ha ha haaa!!!!! "Virgin patent!" Ha ha ha!!!!
Hermia (Tori)
Hey!
Flute enters carrying a steel chair.
Philo (Grand Master Sexay of Too Cool)
X-Pac? He's not supposed to be in this scene.
Egeus (The Big Show)
Yeah, well, neither are you.
Flute (X-Pac)
Hey, Strate, care to repeat what you said about my girl?
Strate (Scotty Too Hotty of Too Cool)
Uhh..
Strate runs away followed by Flute.
Hermia (Tori)
Get him, X-Pac!
Philo runs after Flute.
Philo (Grand Master Sexay of Too Cool)
Yo, Strate, I've got your back!
Hermia (Tori)
As I was saying,
Unto his lordship whose unwished yoke
My soul consents no to give sovereignty.
Theseus (Triple H)
Take time to pause, and by the next new moon
(The sealing day betwixt my love and me
For everlasting bond of fellowship),
Upon that day either prepare to die
For disobedience to your father's will,
Or else to wed Demetrius, as he would,
Or on Diana's altar to protest
For aye austerity and single life.
Hermia (Tori)
Oops! Is that my line?
Theseus (Triple H)
No, it's Rocky's line. Hey, Rock, wake up!
Demetrius (The Rock)
Triple H, The Rock understands that he is playing the role of Demetrius. What The Rock does not understand is why he, The Great One, should be forced to say such ridiculous words like doth and thee and thou; why he, The Great One, should be forced to woo Tori. Furthermore, it has been brought to the attention of the Rock that the people are not pleased with the casting of this production.
Bottom enters.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
Rocky, I agree with you on one thing. As an Olympic hero, I have been receiving countless letters and phone calls from my young English student fans, who wish to see more of their Olympic champion in this play. Now, being that I am not only a tremendous athlete, but an Oscar-worthy actor as well,--it's true, it's true--I, your Olympic hero, am prepared to add the part of Demetrius to my roster for this play. I am, I am.
Relent, sweet Hermia, and, Lysander, yield
Thy crazed title to my certain right.
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
Well, Kurt Angel, my fans, all the Jerichoholics, have sent me some fan mail, requesting that I give Kurt Angel a Y2J beating that he will never eeeeeeever forget.
Bottom exits, followed by Lysander.
Egeus (The Big Show)
Oh, this is so ridiculous.
Lysander says,
"You have her father's love, Demetrius.
Let me have Hermia's. Do you marry him."
And now I, Egeus, says,
Scornful Lysander, true, he hath my love;
And what is mine my love shall render him.
And she is mine, and all my right of her
I do estate unto Demetrius.
Bottom returns, victorious.
Bottom (Kurt Angle)
Chris Jericho decided he doesn't like Shakespeare. He requested that I, your Olympic hero take on the challenge of the part of Lysander.
I am, my lord, as well derived as he,
As well possessed. My love is more than his;
My fortunes every way as fairly ranked
(If not with vantage) as Demetrius';
And (which is more than all these boasts can be)
I am beloved of beauteous Hermia.
Why should not I then prosecute my right?
Demetrius, I'll avouch it to his head,
Made love to Nedar's daughter, Helena,
And won her soul; and she, sweet lady, dotes,
Devoutly dotes, dotes in idolatry,
Upon this spotted and inconstant man.
And yes, The Rock is a spotted and inconstant man, unlike your Olympic champion, who is a man of Intensity, Intelligence, and Integrity.
Demetrius hits Bottom with a steel chair.
Theseus (Triple H)
I must confess that I have heard so much,
And with Demetrius thought to have spoke therof;
But, being overfull of self-affairs,
My mind did lose it.--But, Demetrius, come,
No, on second thought, stay right there.
Egeus; you shall go with me.
I have some private schooling for you.
For you, fair Hermia, look you arm yourself
To fit your fancies to your father's will,
Or else the law of Athens yields you up
(Which by no means we may extenuate)
To death or to a vow of single life.--
Come, my Hippolyta. What cheer, my love?--
Demetrius, stay here and beat up Bottom.
Egeus, go along.
I must employ you in some business
Against our nuptial, and confer with you
Of something nearly that concerns yourself.
Egeus (The Big Show)
With duty and desire, I, the only humble member of this ensemble, follow you.
Theseus, Egeus, and Hippolyta exit, followed by Demetrius, dragging a defeated Bottom.
Lysander enters.
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
How now, my love? Why is your cheek so pale?
How chance the roses there do fade so fast?
Hermia (Tori)
Belike for want of rain, which I could well
Beteem them from the tempest of my eyes.
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
Ay me! For aught that I could ever read,
Could ever hear by tale or history,
The course of true love never did run smooth.
But either it was different in blood--
Hermia (Tori)
O cross! Too high to be enthralled to low.
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
Or else misgraffed in respect of years--
Hermia (Tori)
O spite! Too old to be engaged to young.
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
Or else it stood upon the choice of friends--
Hermia (Tori)
O hell, to choose love by another's eyes!
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
Or, if there were a sympathy in choice,
War, death, or sickness did lay siege to it,
Making it momentany as a sound,
Swift as a shadow, short as any dream,
Brief as the lightning in the collied night,
That, in a spleen, unfolds both heaven and earth,
And, ere a man hath power to say "Behold!"
The jaws of darkness do devour it up.
So quick bright things come to confusion.
Hermia (Tori)
If then true lovers have been ever crossed,
It stands as an edict in destiny.
Then let us teach our trial patience
Because it is a customary cross,
As due to love as thoughts and dreams and sighs,
Wished and tears, poor fancy's followers.
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
A good persuasion. Therefore, hear me, Hermia:
I have a widow aunt, a dowager
Of great revenue, and she hath no child.
From Athens is her house remote seven leagues,
And she respects me as her only son.
There, gentle Hermia, may I marry thee;
And to that place the sharp Athenian law
Cannot pursue us. If thou lovest me, then
Steal forth thy father's house tomorrow night,
And in the wood a league without the town
(Where I did meet thee once with Helena
To do observance to a morn of May),
There will I stay for thee.
Hermia (Tori)
My good Lysander,
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
Uh, why don't you just pick it up at the end. This speech gets a little long.
Hermia (Tori)
Oh, umm, OK.
In that same place thou hast appointed me,
Tomorrow truly will I meet with thee.
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
Keep promise, love. Look, here comes Helena.
Great, I really feel like listening to her complaining right now, really I do.
Helena enters.
Hermia (Tori)
Godspeed, fair Helena. Whither away?
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
Call you me "fair"? That "fair" again unsay.
Demetrius loves your fair. O happy fair!
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
Oh, here we go. You know what, Helena, the Jerichoholics really don't feel like listening to your crap right now. Get lost!
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
Hey, Y2J, or whatever your name is, I don't have to take that kind of crap from you.
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
Oh, yeah, go run and tell your daddy on me then. Y2J does not have time for your trifles.
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
You'll regret this!
Helena exits.
Hermia (Tori)
Oh, that was terrible.
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
Well, it's not that I have anything against Stephanie especially. I just think Helena brings a negative energy to Y2J and all the Jerichoholics.
Hermia (Tori)
I'll go after her. I have to tell her we're leaving Athens tomorrow night.
Keep word, Lysander. We must starve our sight
From lovers' food till morrow deep midnight.
Lysander (Chris Jericho)
I will, my Hermia.
Hermia and Lysander exit.
Helena enters.
Helena (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley)
I hate that Chris Jericho. What right does he have to cut me out of this scene. I'm a fine actress. Besides, I already know about their ridiculous plan to leave Athens. Being the intelligent and resourceful woman that I am, I was eavesdropping long before I ever entered the scene.
How happy some o'er other some can be!
Through Athens I am thought as fair as she.
But what of that? Demetrius thinks not so.
He will not know what all but he do know.
And, as he errs, doting on Hermia's eyes,
So I, admiring of his qualities.
Things base and vile, holding no quantity,
Love can transpose to form and dignity.
Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind;
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.
Nor hath Love's mind of any judgment taste.
Wings, and no eyes, figure unheedy haste.
And therefore is Love said to be a child
Because in choice he is so oft beguiled.
As waggish boys in game themselves forswear,
So the boy Love is perjured everywhere.
For, ere Demetrius looked on Hermia's eyne,
He hailed down oaths that he was only mine;
And when this hail some heat from Hermia felt,
So he dissolved, and show'rs of oaths did melt.
I will go tell him of fair Hermia's flight.
Then to the wood will he tomorrow night
Pursue her. and, for this intelligence
If I have thanks, it is a dear expense.
But herein mean I to enrich my pain,
To have his sight thither and back again.
Helena exits.
Table of Contents Cast of Characters Act I Scene 2 Act II Scene1 Act II Scene 2 Act III Scene1 Act III Scene 2