Recently, Hollywood has felt the urge to modernize any Shakespeare it can get its hands on. Romeo and Juliet, Othello and Taming of the Shrew have all been given the teeny-bopper tribute in the past few years. While Hamlet has been filmed many, many times, the need to modernize hasnot been quite as great there. But it's only a matter of time. Hamlet really is one big existential soap opera anyway. That in mind, here's a treatmentfor the modernization of Hamlet, starring those wonders of modern teen angst, the gang from Dawson's Creek.

Hamlet's (James Van Der Beek) been away from the Creek for a while. He's been interning at a television station as a start to his dream of becoming a

Hamlet gets home just in time to witness the backend of his mother's marriage to Claudius. In an act of rebellion, he gets really drunk, and begins spewing out monologues about how existenial his life is. He could go on like this forever, but he's stopped by his best buddy, Horatio (Kerr Smith) who explains that Hamlet's father is not quite done with Capeside yet. Hamlet makes a trip to the Capeside penitentiary, where his father (played by some unimportant grownup) explains that he was set-up by uncle Claudius. After a heart-wrenching Father-Son reconciliation, Hamlet vows revenge on the backstabbing uncle and mother who've betrayed both him and his father.

Back in Capeside, Ophelia and her grandmother Polonious (cross-gender casting gives "Grams" the part) are saying goodbye to Ophelia's brother Leartes (the kid who plays Henry), who's off to start his first year at Boston College. The relationship between Ophelia and Leartes seems a little unnatural (ie, Angelina Jolie and her brother), but since this is for the kids, we won't go there. However, it is very clear that Polonious is very old-fashioned, and treats Ophelia as a little girl. She orders her to cease communication with Hamlet, who she deems a "trouble-maker". Being the obedient daughter, Ophelia sadly agrees (with the plan to see Hamlet the first chance she gets in the back of her mind).

Hamlet's plan jumps into action. He goes from driven A-student filmmaker, to a carbon copy of Horatio, a unmotivated slacker. Claudius and Gertrude, concerned by this change of events, go to Polonious to ask for advice. Polonious promises to keep an eye on Hamlet. Ophelia, teary-eyed, explains that Hamlet has dumped her because he thinks she fooled around on him while he was away, and then said something about "finding himself". Polonious forces Ophelia to share the love letters Hamlet had written in secret to her. When Polonious tries to trick Hamlet into confessing what's happened to him, Hamlet turns the tables, accusing Polonious of being a neglectful parent, and talking her in circles until she forgets the point of the confrontation and gives up. Hamlet allows himself another existential monologue.

Meanwhile, Polonious, Claudius and Gertrude are working out other plans to trick Hamlet into confessing his problems. They enlist the aide of two of his friends from the television studio, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern(Noel from Felicity and Max from Roswell, repaying their debts to the show that launched their careers). After promising them sweet jobs when they graduate from college, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern promise to get the secret out of Hamlet. After a brief happy reunion, Hamlet figures out that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are two-timing him, and he rips them to shreds, making them feel ultra-guilty before tossing them out of the house. Hamlet's really bummed now. His friends aren't being very nice to him, his girlfriend seems to have moved on without him, and he's no closer to getting revenge on his stupid parents. He thinks about killing himself. He'd almost do it, but then his chances of getting a movie deal would probably be a lot smaller.

While Hamlet contemplates, Polonious, Claudius and Gertrude have another trick up their sleeves. Polonious and Claudius decide it would be best to allow Ophelia to see Hamlet again, affectively pimping her off to see if she can reveal Hamlet's secret. Ethically, Gertrude should stop this, but she and Ophelia have a little Hamlet-rivalry going on, and she doesn't mind if Hamlet screws around with Ophelia a bit. So, Ophelia goes to seduce Hamlet. But Hamlet's not ready to take that next step in the relationship, and he calls Ophelia a "skanky ho" for suggesting it. In reality, he's not so averse to the idea, but he knows Polonious and Claudius are behind the whole thing, so he really plays it up. Poor Ophelia cries, "Oh Hamlet", and runs from the room. Claudius, Polonious and Gertrude are stumped.

At Capeside High, Hamlet comes up with a new plan to get a confession from Claudius. He decides to make a movie about his life and his father's incarceration, which will certainly force Claudius to confess. He brings in a bunch of actors (all B-movie stars from the recent teen-movie explosion), bangs out a self-pitying script, and forces Ophelia to work as a DA on the movie. When one of his actors conveniently "gets sick", Hamlet asks Claudius to fill in in the murderer part. Claudius initially plays the part with gusto until he realizes what the script is actually saying, when he loses it, calls Hamlet a loser and runs from the scene. Hamlet tries to make Horatio and everyone admit that this outburst must mean that Claudius is guilty, but the others on the set point out that Claudius loses it a lot. This is nothing new.

Claudius has run to the Capeside dock, where he confesses to the fish of his guilt, not only for framing Hamlet's father, but for taking the virginity of half the women in Capeside. Hamlet, who has snuck up behind Claudius with every intention of pushing him in the creek, is so shocked by this admission, that he allows Claudius to live.

Hamlet goes to see Gertrude (it's in her contract she's got to have at least one good scene, )thinking that Claudius will be hiding somewhere in the room. There's some big sexual tension in the room (I mean, they are both attractive teenagers, so what if she's supposed to be his mother). Hamlet goes through all the stages of teen angst, accusing Gertrude of bring a part of the conspiracy, of cheating on his father, of being a self-absorbed, bad mother. Gertrude tried to calm him down by saying that she doesn't know what he's talking about. Hamlet produces a videotape of his father from prison. Gertrude is shocked by his accusations, and she once again tried to calm Hamlet down. Hamlet freaks out, pulls a gun, and shoots down the person hiding in his closet who he believed to be Claudius. In reality, he has shot Polonious, and if he thought he had problems with Ophelia before, they ain't nothing now. Gertrude and Hamlet have a heart-to-heart, and the Mother-Son relationship is renewed. The castle discovers Polonious's death and sends Hamlet off with Horatio to look at colleges while they try to figure out what to do with him.

Hamlet goes off to do his college search, and runs across a memorial set up on one of the college campuses. The memorial is for a film professor he once took a summer course from, causing him to go off on another monologue rampage about existentialism.

Meanwhile, back in Capeside, Ophelia has officially lost it. Even after heart-to-hearts with everyone in the Cape, she can't take the on-again off-again silliness of her relationship with Hamlet, and she goes crazy. Leartes comes back from college on winter break just in time to see her at the breaking point, right after she's dyed her hair a completely different color. Ophelia begins rowing her little boat back and forth between her house and Hamlet's until her row breaks, and she falls out of the boat, drowning, fitingly enough, in Hamlet's Creek. Leartes swears he will kick Hamlet's ass when he gets back.

Hamlet gets back to Capeside just in time to catch Ophelia's funeral. He's understandably upset. They were going to get back together eventually. I mean, GOD! Leartes challenges him to a one-on-one basketball game in which the winner has to leave Capeside once and for all, which Hamlet gladly accepts, even though he's a little on the short side. Claudius wants to make sure Hamlet stays gone, so he convinces Laertes to poison the basketball, just in case he loses. And just in case that doesn't work, he slips a little something into Hamlet's waterbottle that's just as deadly.

Hamlet has a Rocky-like training session with Horatio, where the two confess their manly-affection for one another. They go to the court. The game begins. It clear pretty early on that Hamlet is going to win, so Claudius jumps into action. At the first time-out, he tries to give Hamlet the water bottle, but Hamlet refuses. Gertrude is pretty thristy, though (she's acting as cheerleader since Ophelia's dead), and she takes a drink. The game continues, but Gertrude's not looking too good. Hamlet's adrenalin kicks in, and he scores the winning basket, assuring Laertes's banishment from Capeside, and Laertes is so furious, he throws the ball at Hamlet, bashing him in the nose, ensuring his death. Hamlet throws the ball back, promisng death for Laertes as well. Gertrude's been laid out on the bench, and she manages to gasp something about the poisoned water bottle before dropping dead. Hamlet grabs the bottle, and sprays it at Claudius, then throws the basketball at him for good measure. Everyone dies. It's a bummer. But there will be another group of freshmen to start a new Capeside, a new Hamlet's Creek.